video un: konpeito_oni with un: fireprince

[konpeito_aji]

Make sure you get my good side!

[Oda Nobunaga is being filmed by someone else, and as he quickly makes apparent: hunting in the forest.]

Okay! This is Oda Nobunaga, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven. [He'll get tired of that mouthful... eventually.] Hijikata-sama is busy doing super important police work so I got Zuko to provide backup so I can show you proper sumo techniques on a bear fir! Those are trees in the shape of bears. Don't worry, if I get eaten, and can't cut my way free, Zuko will set it on fire, and then we'll show you how to make sure it doesn't spread to the forest!

First you need to lure it! [He has a fish for the bait.] In my time, we would give offerings and sacrifices, but since I want to wrestle one, not appease it--

[He doesn't get to finish the sentence before he gets sideswiped by an irritated bear fir. It was not lured by the fish. It was flushed out by Nobunaga's oni, but who's counting?]

[Nobunaga crashes into a tree, gets the wind knocked out of him... but he's grinning ear to ear.]

[And tackles the bear, trying to wrestle, or ride it, or... who the fuck knows?]

[It's a bit insane. But eventually he winds up inside it and cuts himself free...]

[And looks sorely disappointed.]

Ah... that's it? I didn't get to show anything off... Okay! Let's do the fire anyway! Zuko set me on fire!

[This can only end well.]

[On cue, a small puff of flame appears from the cameraman's unseen hands. The flames are weak. After another, only slightly bigger puff, a grumble can be heard, before one more unsteady, unimpressive lick of flames appears from thin air, followed by a hoarse:]

What the fuck?!

[Muttered under the firebender's breath. Finally, fourth must be the charm... and a gust of fire shoots forth, striking Nobunaga straight-on. Thank goodness the daimyo has healing magic because, uh, Zuko is clearly not fully in control of this fire he's magicking up. And he's very embarrassed to be short on juice on a live public feed. This whole thing isn't going exactly to plan, is it?]

[The grown warlord then holds up a finger, as his cuirass (at least it's not his Japanese armor? Is that better or worse?) smolders and gets hotter!] This technique isn't taught in my time, but you should all know it!

Stop! Drop! And roll!

[And he demonstrates.]

[The bear fir in the meanwhile has recollected, REFORMED itself... and just decides an idiot on fire is not worth trying to eat again. Good thinking. Off it goes!]

[No idiots were maimed in the making of this video. Don't play with fire. Or bear trees.]

Comments

[konpeito_aji]

Because they're gross sea-bugs.

[Sighs. And gestures over the armor.] Doesn't it remind you of something?

Maybe that's just a land-people thing. We tried to model our armor off of lobsters. I even modeled my ships based on them. Somehow eating lobster feels more cannibalistic than other things.

[dottedline]

[. . .]

I can understand not wanting to eat lobster because they look weird to, that's fine, people have their own tastes. But. That looks nothing like a lobster. At all.

[konpeito_aji]

Really?

[THINKS THIS OVER.]

[And smacks a fist into his other hand.] Aha! You must have different lobsters in your world!

[dottedline]

I assure you, I've been to the fish market here. The lobsters here look like the lobsters back home, so I'm going to guess the lobsters where you're from are the same.

[konpeito_aji]

I haven't been to the market here, um... I had a bit of an argument with the local fishermen. It's fine, no big deal. But I agreed to give them their space.

Lobsters do look like samurai armor though!

[dottedline]

Samurai armor looks like an lobster exoskeleton insofar as both have the scales or jointed look to them. But that's it.

[konpeito_aji]

Yes, that's exactly it.

Also they're black. [Lobsters aren't always black, but never mind.]

And we have kabuto helmets sometimes. I don't, because it'd get in my way of hunting, but the really extravagant ones have the lobster antennae. [Literally just... mimes with his forearms and hands above his head.]

Hang on, let me see if I can find one and send on the comm! [Does like so!]

Obviously it's impractical, but generals who lead from behind do it as status symbols. I made that a demonic curse upon them.

[dottedline]

[Azul is fairly certain he's found the resident Crazy Person on the Internet and he is fascinated.]

You..."cursed" generals to wear horned helmets?

[He does not do the air quotes around "cursed" but boy are they probably obvious to anyone else listening.]

[konpeito_aji]

Of course not.

I hunted and killed idiots who thought leading from behind and status symbols made them safe, then took their armies for my own.

[dottedline]

I see.

[Well, at least that makes sense.]

So why the massive obviously useless horns on the helmets?

[konpeito_aji]

Status symbol. Morons who use fear hang back to drive their weaker armies forward wear them to remind their lower caste units that they are behind them and in charge.

The Date clan and Oda clan lead from the front. Some adjustments to helmets to help soldiers identify is fine, but the really ostentatious ones are just to flaunt that they aren't in battle. Some soldiers say it's reassuring that their commanders have so much faith in them, but obviously I'm not the kind of man who could be satisfied with being a symbol and more protected than a princess in a cage.

[dottedline]

I see.

[Sort of.]

Well, if it's so easy to kill them they obviously weren't very well protected, were they?

[konpeito_aji]

Obviously.

People who cling to traditions out of fear, deserve to stay in the past they cling so hard to.