avalononline | Fifteenth: Reflection Time (Video; un: Caster)

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Fifteenth: Reflection Time (Video; un: Caster) - backdated to pre-Event

Good evening, Avalon. For those I haven't met yet, I go by 'Caster' here.

[As ever for her network posts, Caster had settled in a darkened room- a different one to the last one she'd filmed in, now she'd moved into Kadoc's place. But her tone seemed more thoughtful than ominous, this time around.]

These are just my musings, so feel free to pay them no mind...but I've been thinking over a few matters these past weeks. I feel that, since I've arrived in this realm, fragments of who I am have changed. The way I see myself, what my intentions are, the feelings I have about others here and this realm as a whole.

...I doubt the 'me' who first arrived in this place would have considered discussing this publicly, for example.

[She'd noticed it a few times now. That she'd been less guarded than she had been when she first arrived- that she'd even seen herself as someone who might truly be called a 'Heroic Spirit' in earnest. And that maybe, she'd finally put the Grail War behind her.]

Is there anyone else who feels...different, somehow, from when they were first brought here? Is it truly possible to change in a place like this- even for one so deeply tied to their past?

I'd be curious to hear what the rest of you have experienced, if you would be willing to humour me.

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Well, there was the thing with the dragon.

[ That was actually a pretty traumatic weekend, but she's gonna act like it's a joke. ]

When Celliwig burned you mean.. yes, I remember that.

I laughed, at the time. It was sutible vengeance for the Trials they saw fit to put us all through.

[A small shrug. Whether or not she still felt that way, there wasn't the same viciousness in her tone as there had been in the past.]

[ Damn, Caster, that's cold. ]

And a giant golem climbed out of a mountain, trapping or killing hundreds of people? Yeah, that's the one.

[ ... ]

You really shouldn't blame the people for what their leaders do. Most of them are probably just trying to survive, same as anyone else.

[ She shrugs. It's not like disdain hurts anyone more than their city literally burning to the ground. ]

[She'd been in a pit of grief at the time- but she had no intention of arguing her case. She never made much effort to defend herself.]

The golem was a frustrating one- myself and the others barely scratched it.

[Even with the ritual to help her summon a shadow of her old Assassin, it hadn't been enough.]

...Perhaps not, but I never said I wasn't a spiteful woman.

[ It's not really the topic under discussion, anyway. It just seemed worth mentioning. ]

I was on search-and-rescue in Lestari. I couldn't tell you what it changed, but I know I'll never forget it.

I see...I gather that, at least, proved somewhat successful at the time.

[That whole venture really was something else.]

Depends how you define "success". I pulled out more than a few bodies that might've made it if they'd been found sooner.

That is troubling...I remember being concerned for the fate of the souls that dwelled within the forest at the time of the Giant's rampage- hypocritical though that might have been.

There are worse things to be a hypocrite about.

[ She actually respects people who are willing to admit to that kind of fault. ]

... People are murdered every day in Gotham. I've seen the city turned into a literal war zone. But Lestari...

[ After a moment she shakes her head. If she goes into detail she'll just get depressed. ]

What about you?

...I was summoned into a War myself, along with 6- no, 7 others, and I'm no stranger to using the power of souls like that to fuel dark magics. I used whatever I needed to, to achieve my own ends.

[Gotham wasn't a name familiar to her, but it sounded as if it had never fallen to the extent Lestari had.]

I didn't see the damage to Lestari until it was all over, but seeing what the giant caused was enough.

Hmph...I can't say I've ever been someone who enjoys fighting, but it seems I can never settle for too long. What of you?

I don't know, really. I've been fighting all my life, but I never thought too hard about why. I was scared, or angry, or I wanted to prove myself. Then the dome went up, and all that was left was a few square miles of city and a lot of terrified people. I felt like maybe fighting was only making things worse.

I guess when it comes down to it, what I really want is to make things better, even just a little bit. Even if it breaks my heart.

Why would you want to tear your own heart apart for the sake of others? I've never...been that sort of person.

...But I suppose there are people and things I will fight for. I cannot say if I'd call it anything but selfish if it's for my own sake as well, though.

Because I know how it feels.

[ That, as least, is an easy answer. ]

To be terrified, desperate and alone. To know that no one is coming to save you. To lose hope. I don't want anyone else to have to feel that way.

We haven't spoken for a long time, but I'm glad you're doing well. And if you're able to discuss it rationally, then it's a change for the better, isn't it?

I guess this place has been a little more tumultuous than other places I've experienced, but I think I also will remember it a bit more fondly than most others whenever this is over with. At the very least, I had some consistent companions here. Though I don't know if I've changed at all... it's hard to gauge that kind of thing.

Ah-

[A little smile came into Caster's face, seeing her- come to think of it...was the last time they'd spoken in the aftermath of her breakdown?]

It is good to see you again...have you been keeping well? I'm glad to talk under more pleasant circumstances. You're right, I do feel more at peace than I was a year ago.

I think that is the best way to describe it. It is always hard to tell with ourselves.

...But i'm glad you have allies and fond memories here.

Of course it is possible to change.

[gently smiling from the screen - the room behind him quite the opposite to Caster's, airy and decorated here and there with sprays of flowers]

If I may be so bold... I think one may call that growing.

[Now this wasn't someone she recognised- and not one she could get a read on right away.]

Growing, hm...It still sounds strange, applied to someone like me.

You believe everyone has it in them, then? To grow?

Everyone, yes...! For good or for ill, but I like to believe that people can always grow for the better. Or we would not have hearts and minds and bodies that may be changed - that may be moved.

[but he did always love fairy stories as a child - perhaps that was why he still carried that streak in him, despite time and experience]

I think it is very difficult for someone to be unmoved by the place they are living in, by the people surrounding them.

You might be right...my heart has certainly been changed by having allies around me in this world. Those I can trust will not betray me.

...What of you? Do you have people you can rely on, in this place?

Between Empatheias and Avalon, I'd say I've definitely changed and the change has been positive. Even if "home" weights heavily on my mind sometimes, it's not something that ties me down to stop me from changing. I think that goes for anyone, no matter what kind of a past they have. The key is if you want to change rather than if you actually can.

[He shrugs.]

I'm definitely glad for these opportunities we have in worlds like these. I mean, if I'd just stayed back "home", the chances of me getting married before dying were closer to zero.

[Hm...wasn't this the boy she'd taunted a little while ago?]

Yes...home always does feel that way, doesn't it? Regardless of what becomes of us.

[Hearing of his marriage though, she couldn't help but feel a little sting, shooting a glance to her engagement ring.]

...You were able to marry your beloved here when you would never have had the chance at home? You're lucky.

[It is, but sometimes Jean doesn't hold grudges. It doesn't happen often though.]

Sometimes it's a curse. The home we originally come from.

[Really depends on the place, really.]

At least the chances of marriage are slim when you're always fighting to stay alive. Such thoughts usually stay in daydreams.

Edited 2022-08-24 22:37 (UTC)

Or sometimes home becomes something we can no longer reach.

[A little pain crept into her expression at his last point.]

...Daydreams of what might come if or when the battle is finally over. Yes, I can understand that.

I want...to find that for myself, once we are done helping this world.

[The look on Jean's face softens with that.]

Surely after all we've done to help save all of the worlds and not just this one we could be granted some power as a reward. To find a way... To get the lives we've always wanted.

I wonder about that.

I hope, at least, that they don't simply discard us to the void once its all over- but if by some miracle you're right, perhaps we truly can find a path to our happiness in all of this.

yes and no.
don't know if it's for the better or not.

it is hard to judge for ourselves

then how does it seem to you

[She knew that Kate had learned of her brother's demise- but there was more to it than that, Medea could tell that much.]

don't think i would be in the same position back home

( That's... so fucking cryptic. )

would never have thought to make a business there

( That's better. )

you and me both

do you take pride in it
the business youve built up i mean

i do.
do you?

yes
i do

i think ive managed to do my homelands wine justice
and my skill with potions has improved significantly

i think
it may be alright to have pride in that

then coming here was worth it

[ Coming in with a private message... ]

I cannot speak to any way I may have changed, but I believe that you truly have changed.

Saber.

[Not who she'd expected to hear from- and certainly, she didn't believe Saber would humour her musings this way.

Just another little thing, Caster thought to herself, as she realised she hadn't replied with the outright defensive hostility she might have done in the past.]

...If even you've noticed such a thing, I must be losing my touch.

For the first time, I have made friends. I have even fallen in love. I was so certain before that those were things I would never get to do.

it feels strange doesnt it
finding things that we would have always thought as not being meant for us in a strange summoning like this

it sounds as if youve made good allies here

Edited 2022-08-30 21:05 (UTC)

I have.

But it hurts, because I may never see them again.

i take it you intend to return to your world when all is done here

I do. I was in the middle of something I can't leave unfinished.

you and me both

if i may ask
what would happen if you left it undone

There would be a significant chance a contagious form of undead would be released in areas of conflict with high population densities, against forces completely unprepared to handle them.

so youre the selfless sort who intends to rush in and save those people

well
i wish you luck
war is an unpleasant business after all

[One that she could imagine very few finding any pleasure in...then again, she hadn't met anyone who loved it the way the Major did. Perhaps that priest would come closest.]

i intend to return to save myself and someone i care for
nothing more

I can't say anyone has accused me of being selfless before.

But I think it's nice that you have someone you care about that much.

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Fifteenth: Reflection Time (Video; un: Caster) - backdated to pre-Event

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