Fifteenth: Reflection Time (Video; un: Caster) - backdated to pre-Event

[colchismagecraft]

Good evening, Avalon. For those I haven't met yet, I go by 'Caster' here.

[As ever for her network posts, Caster had settled in a darkened room- a different one to the last one she'd filmed in, now she'd moved into Kadoc's place. But her tone seemed more thoughtful than ominous, this time around.]

These are just my musings, so feel free to pay them no mind...but I've been thinking over a few matters these past weeks. I feel that, since I've arrived in this realm, fragments of who I am have changed. The way I see myself, what my intentions are, the feelings I have about others here and this realm as a whole.

...I doubt the 'me' who first arrived in this place would have considered discussing this publicly, for example.

[She'd noticed it a few times now. That she'd been less guarded than she had been when she first arrived- that she'd even seen herself as someone who might truly be called a 'Heroic Spirit' in earnest. And that maybe, she'd finally put the Grail War behind her.]

Is there anyone else who feels...different, somehow, from when they were first brought here? Is it truly possible to change in a place like this- even for one so deeply tied to their past?

I'd be curious to hear what the rest of you have experienced, if you would be willing to humour me.

Comments

[ichoosefight]

[ Damn, Caster, that's cold. ]

And a giant golem climbed out of a mountain, trapping or killing hundreds of people? Yeah, that's the one.

[ ... ]

You really shouldn't blame the people for what their leaders do. Most of them are probably just trying to survive, same as anyone else.

[ She shrugs. It's not like disdain hurts anyone more than their city literally burning to the ground. ]

[colchismagecraft]

[She'd been in a pit of grief at the time- but she had no intention of arguing her case. She never made much effort to defend herself.]

The golem was a frustrating one- myself and the others barely scratched it.

[Even with the ritual to help her summon a shadow of her old Assassin, it hadn't been enough.]

...Perhaps not, but I never said I wasn't a spiteful woman.

[ichoosefight]

[ It's not really the topic under discussion, anyway. It just seemed worth mentioning. ]

I was on search-and-rescue in Lestari. I couldn't tell you what it changed, but I know I'll never forget it.

[colchismagecraft]

I see...I gather that, at least, proved somewhat successful at the time.

[That whole venture really was something else.]

[ichoosefight]

Depends how you define "success". I pulled out more than a few bodies that might've made it if they'd been found sooner.

[colchismagecraft]

That is troubling...I remember being concerned for the fate of the souls that dwelled within the forest at the time of the Giant's rampage- hypocritical though that might have been.

[ichoosefight]

There are worse things to be a hypocrite about.

[ She actually respects people who are willing to admit to that kind of fault. ]

... People are murdered every day in Gotham. I've seen the city turned into a literal war zone. But Lestari...

[ After a moment she shakes her head. If she goes into detail she'll just get depressed. ]

What about you?

[colchismagecraft]

...I was summoned into a War myself, along with 6- no, 7 others, and I'm no stranger to using the power of souls like that to fuel dark magics. I used whatever I needed to, to achieve my own ends.

[Gotham wasn't a name familiar to her, but it sounded as if it had never fallen to the extent Lestari had.]

I didn't see the damage to Lestari until it was all over, but seeing what the giant caused was enough.

Hmph...I can't say I've ever been someone who enjoys fighting, but it seems I can never settle for too long. What of you?

[ichoosefight]

I don't know, really. I've been fighting all my life, but I never thought too hard about why. I was scared, or angry, or I wanted to prove myself. Then the dome went up, and all that was left was a few square miles of city and a lot of terrified people. I felt like maybe fighting was only making things worse.

I guess when it comes down to it, what I really want is to make things better, even just a little bit. Even if it breaks my heart.

[colchismagecraft]

Why would you want to tear your own heart apart for the sake of others? I've never...been that sort of person.

...But I suppose there are people and things I will fight for. I cannot say if I'd call it anything but selfish if it's for my own sake as well, though.

[ichoosefight]

Because I know how it feels.

[ That, as least, is an easy answer. ]

To be terrified, desperate and alone. To know that no one is coming to save you. To lose hope. I don't want anyone else to have to feel that way.