video| Un. A. HardCrowley

[scotch_egg]

Right.

[Alec appears in front of the camera with an enormous rack, antlers, that is. And while they aren't out of proportion exactly (well as in proportion as they can be to an otherwise human head) it would make a stag take a second look]

I've had these bloody things a month or more. [and it wasn't the only thing he had, but he wasn't talking about the rest of it.]

That thing is no help. [he jerked his thumb at the spectral whippet shaped grim gnawing on a squeaky toy that looked like a strangled chicken]

If anyone has any suggestion on how to get them to go away, I'd appreciate it. Anything short of a saw. I've tried meditation-- I've tried sleeping more. [though he'd failed at both. Probably because of the damned antlers]

I'm out of ideas.

And I think I've got something else now. Magic I mean. How the hell do you lot handle all this? I just want to go home and read a book for God's sake.

[though which home he really didn't want to think too hard about]

[also he hopes no one notices the user name as he didn't notice it until it was too late to do anything about it]

Comments

[konpeito_aji]

One would argue by the nature of wormholes and time distortions, a version of me is already the King there. [Don't... just don't ask.]

Surely there must be some mechanical means to dissolve the base stem from which they sprout?

[scotch_egg]

[it's alright, he's not even going to waste the braincells to try and parse it]

I don't want anything mechanical or dissolving near my head. Firstly I don't trust anyone to handle them and secondly it's my bloody head.

[konpeito_aji]

Well, there's always blades.

[scotch_egg]

Let me make this clear so even a moron could understand. I don't want anything sharp near my head.

[konpeito_aji]

Yet you'd trust magic?

[scotch_egg]

I don't trust anything. I'm just asking for ideas.

[he might be stuck with them but he hasn't given up yet. Yet.]

[konpeito_aji]

[Oh no. Is this what will happen to him if he gets anymore stupid?]

[A hand over his eyes, thinking hard.]

Diet change. Avoid the things that make the antlers stronger, and weaken them inside out. If you do it now, then the base is what will weaken, so the rest should become heavier and easier to break off. [The other reason they shed in winter.]

Stick to sugar and -- [Rubs his head in thought.] Fats? A cook might know better than me. I'm not sure what protein or meat might do.

[scotch_egg]

Fasting isn't a bad idea... [could that work? Better than the alternative. And it wasn't as if he liked the fare here anyway]

[konpeito_aji]

You'd rather starve then saw them off.

[Listen, he will never understand you monks.]

[scotch_egg]

Fasting and starving are two different things.

[konpeito_aji]

How?

[scotch_egg]

Fasting is purposeful, starving is something out of your control.

[he can always choose to eat]

[konpeito_aji]

That's no different than avoiding sex despite willing partners.

[MONKS!]

[scotch_egg]

Amazingly sex isn't necessary to continued existence. [his tone was so dry it was surprising a desert didn't spontaeously form in front of him]

[konpeito_aji]

It absolutely is! Where do you think children come from?

[scotch_egg]

Other people.

[konpeito_aji]

If only such thinking died simply by not being passed down through direct descendants.

[scotch_egg]

Forget it. [arguing with an idiot was like chastising a rock. All you got was frustration and if you were lucky an echo]

Thanks for the input. Piss off.

[konpeito_aji]

And I thought I was unfriendly. I can see now why you wouldn't trust anyone else with blades near your head.

[scotch_egg]

I didn't come here to make friends. And the friends I do have I wouldn't trust them with nail clippers.

[konpeito_aji]

As far as I know no one came here to make friends.

Are your allies that incompetent, or are you just that good at angering even your friends?

[scotch_egg]

They're generally competent but I don't trust them around bladed weapons. They're smart but idiots.

[konpeito_aji]

That doesn't make any sense!

[scotch_egg]

And? Does anything lately? Not if you've been paying attention.

[konpeito_aji]

Everything else, but you does.

Wormholes, alternate timelines where the love of my life is a kitsune princess and her fathers are one of my vassals and in my world; her husband. Why not?

Oni are still fictional, but only as I know them. Religion? Same. Other worlds, they're real, so fine, I'll conquer them all and become the Demon King of all worlds. [SHING!] No problem!

But competent smart idiot friends you don't trust with blades doesn't make sense. Either you can't trust them because they're idiots, or they're competent so you should trust them, so which is it?

I don't like to have blades near my scalp either, but that's just honed instinct from when I was eight.