avalononline | Text; un: Smoking Bomb

[ Minako might have had a hard time with the battle that happened too, but.. it's not like she can ignore a post like this, at the very least.

So after staring at it for a few moments, she at least tries to send him a message. Especially considering their last conversation. ]

do you want to talk?

[The message makes him cry.

Everything is making him cry.

He responds in a few hours:]

Will it help?

[Damn, this poor boy. Wasn't it just over a month ago that Hijikata saw him off to Queen Elphame's ball where he wanted to dance with his partners? And now he lost both of them at once?! Fate is brutally unkind sometimes. Hijikata will probably forever suck at comforting people, but he can't just leave Gokudera alone with this.]

Do you want to do some studying at the library tonight?

[This is the lamest suggestion he ever made... but he isn't in good enough shape to spar after everything that happened to him this month, he doesn't want to actively practice magic since it's been going haywire for him and everyone else who participated in Morganna's ritual (not to mention his mana pool feels empty), and he can't even suggest having dinner somewhere because it'd be another opportunity for someone to poison him. Welp!!]

Sure.

[He doesn’t, though. But… he knows he shouldn’t be alone while he’s feeling so alone. His boss has been around him, making his presence known, and while it is a comfort, Gokudera can only hole himself up so much around him without feeling overwhelming guilt for being such a downer.

He’s also not used to having friends.

So Tsuna has tried to comfort him, but it’s awkward, and Gokudera doesn’t want to make his problems something his boss has to deal with.

He can at least step out for the fresh air before making his way to the library.]

Let's meet by the study rooms at 6:00 PM.

[The days are getting longer and longer with winter on the way out... it'll probably give him and the Yuureisengumi trouble. But that's something for them to deal with later; for now he'll focus on being there for Gokudera.

When he arrives at the appointed time he really does have some books and writing materials in his bag and puts them on the table in the little room. He's been restless, unable to physically train and effectively forced to take time off from the night patrol (his subordinates were very insistent), so studying magical theory really is the best he can do right now - if Gokudera is truly up for it.]

Do you want to study right away? Or would you like to talk about what happened?

[Yes, he's awkward at this, but he wants to offer an ear at least. If it helps the boy to tell him about his partners he'll listen patiently.]

Fine.

[Gokudera shows up with a travel mug of tea, and an intricate, leather-bound buckled journal. A birthday gift from Zuko back in September.

He looks exhausted, but comfortable in a blue hoodie with golden roses embroidered up the arms. His hair is tied back, glasses on his face, and he sits beside Hijikata without hesitation.

If he wants to talk about what happened, it’ll likely turn to tears. Gokudera turns his head to look at the man beside him, expression flat, eyes bruised at the corners.]

Do you want me to talk about what happened?

[Because he can, and has no idea if it will help, or if he’ll just… cry on his studies. He’s a little behind in his classes, after all.]

Edited (Ah yes html problems) 2022-03-03 00:50 (UTC)

[ At least Minako doesn't expect a quick response. Given the content of his message, she's not sure he will respond at all - but that's why she just wanted to reach out at all. Just so he knows that he isn't alone in this place, even though it might feel like it in the face of such a significant loss.

But then a message does arrive.

Hours later, sure, but Minako still quickly grabs her device to send him a message back without much of a delay on her end. ]

i can't say for sure. sometimes it can hurt to talk too.

but it's still better than walking around while cropping up all of those feelings in your chest, and letting them fester there.

[ That much Minako does know. From her own dumb experiences with negative feelings. ]

I don’t know if I can.

[Dramatic as it may be, he feels like everything hurts. The offers of kindness, words, support. It all just hits hard and painfully when he’s feeling raw, exposed after such a loss.

Even if he wants to talk, he doesn’t know if he can.

He wants them back. Hates feeling like they’re gone, hates accepting the truth. It hurts.]

I would…

[It’s just so damned difficult, surrounded by things, little mementos to remind him of them. He can’t bring them back. He can’t do anything.]

[Hijikata hasn't seen Gokudera with glasses or a ponytail or in that hoodie before, so he's mildly surprised at the different style, complemented by that eye-catching journal... at least he doesn't look like a complete wreck, but his eyes say it all. Damn, this poor kid. Hijikata wishes he could give him his boyfriend and girlfriend back, but who knows if they'll ever return here?]

I don't mind either way.

[Honestly, he's just copying Venti's offer to him when he was missing Riou. Now Venti is also gone... it really is hard to keep experiencing this over and over again, but at least neither of them was Hijikata's partner ~~here.~~]

If you'd rather focus on the studies that's fine by me. Just please don't actively practice any light magic, okay?

[Part of Gokudera is holding out hope one of them will return. It’s not making dealing with them leaving any easier, certainly, but this is not the first time he’s lost someone he’s loved. He’s… hardening over it, growing a bit more calloused, bitter.

He isn’t trying to avoid how he feels, but he also isn’t eager to talk.]

I’ll try.

[Gokudera opens his journal and starts to write in it, a script made of strange symbols, something he made up to pass his time in classes back home.]

I know the magic has been acting up.

[He doesn’t work magic into his studies unless he’s on the training grounds, where, if something can go wrong, no one else would be around to get hurt.]

Rose left, the veil was opened, then Zuko left. I’m too tired to practice any magic right now, anyways…

[Gokudera turns his head away and coughs gently, smoke rising from his mouth before he’s back to writing in his journal. The words aren’t coming out right, symbols crossed out and rewritten in red pen as if he’s grading his own journal.]

Are you any good at poetry?

[Somehow Hijikata hasn't gotten embittered yet. Maybe it's because he still has two people he loves on Prismatica, and the crystal that'll let him return there once this is all over... at least he puts his trust in that.

He nods at Gokudera's explanation, struggling to come up with any comforting words to say. Losing those two immediately before and after the latest disaster makes it even worse than it already seemed; it's just blow after blow after blow... and his lungs still smoke too, from the looks of it. Apparently no one was able to do anything about that. Hijikata is about to inquire when Gokudera asks him that unexpected question.]

Poetry? Hm... I'm okay at it, I guess.

[He secretly liked writing poetry back home whenever his heavy work load allowed some room for inspiration, but he hasn't taken it back up here on Avalon. The quality of his poems is... debatable.]

Not fae riddles, though. I've had enough of those for a good while.

[He knows when he goes home, everything will be alright. But every day just feels like it gets harder. Gokudera has purpose in his boss, looking after Tsuna, and focusing on being his friend. But he can’t rely too much on anyone, when the length of their stays in this world is so unpredictable.

He used that disaster as a distraction from the pain of losing Aurora, and… Zuko could have been gone longer, and Gokudera would not have known, so preoccupied with fighting to keep New Camelot safe.

Gokudera draws a line through what he’d written and shakes his head.]

I thought that just a haiku would be simple enough. Help me focus on something else… and then I could submit it to Monika… since she’s got that literature club…

[Fighting for the greater good is always a handy distraction, Hijikata knows, but at some point there's no running from the loss... still, they can try to fill the emptiness with other things! Gokudera's mention of Monika, however, throws him off.]

Monika? That young noble, Lady Monika? Does she have long brown hair in a ponytail?

[If it's the same person he met her for the first time only recently, and he's surprised to hear that she apparently leads a literature club! She did enthusiastically encourage him to write a letter to Maribelle to try and resolve his conflict with her, but he didn't expect her to be this invested in writing (and, apparently, reading).]

[He doesn’t mean to throw Hijikata off. His writing is because of Monika. Gokudera journals all the time, but he’s pulling out a folded piece of paper where it has his writing (in Japanese instead of G-Script) on it. There are more lines scratched through, corrections noted.]

Yes?

what would you want the most in this moment?

i don't mean the choice between talking or not talking. i mean in general. if you could have one wish right now, what would you have it be?

[ Hey, if he's having trouble talking about it, then Minako will gently nudge things along like this if he wants to talk about it even just a little bit.

While trying to avoid the obvious pitfalls that might only hurt him more - even though she's sure he'll hurt regardless.

It's how moments like these work. The crappy side to the entire love business. ]

[He wants them back. It’s not going to happen. They’ll probably never come back. Tears fall anew and he can only stare at his device, not sure what he should type.

There are things he has from them, the wreath he made with Aurora… the hoodie he’d gifted her. From Zuko… he’s surrounded by reminders of them. He can’t do anything without being haunted by them.]

I want them back.

[It’s not possible, but it’s a wish.

Lying here on his bedroom floor with tears pouring down his temples into his grey hairline, he doesn’t feel hungry or cold. He feels incredibly selfish. Zuko will go and be Fire Lord, and Aurora will marry her prince and be a princess, and… they’ll both forget he even exists.]

I know saying so doesn’t change anything. They likely aren’t coming back, but… if I could have one wish, it would be to have them return.

I see.

[Come to think... didn't he see Gokudera call into Maribelle's call-out broadcast too? Ugh, this whole mess is so upsetting to think about, he doesn't really feel like trying to defend his honour right now. Gokudera is still willing to hang out with him, so his opinion of him can't be totally wrecked!]

So she started a literature club, and in order to get in you've got to submit a haiku for her to judge? Or is this just a standard club activity?

Well, no but she did want me to submit something. It’s not like I have to join her club, but… that she’s encouraged me, and I’d like to give her something. I don’t know how often she even gets submissions.

[Gokudera looks troubled at his own writing.]

It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t even have to submit anything.

[He pouts. Gokudera is just trying to be thoughtful, and show that he not only listened to Monika’s suggestion, but that he was honestly more receptive than she likely knows.]

I don’t know if it’s officially even a club, or if there are other members. She has a place for it… here

[Gokudera navigates to The Literature Corner, a YouTube channel.]

I haven’t decided if I want an alias or not… but working on this has helped me distract myself. [While simultaneously helping him accept his feelings.]

[Hijikata looks at Monika's channel on Gokudera's phone. This young lady sure has the influencer thing down to an art form; everything looks neat, tidy and inviting. So it's like this; she just wants to engage with her followers... that is a good distraction for Gokudera.]

Hm. Well, what's your haiku about? Let's start with that.

[As much as he’s avoiding his feelings, he’s accepted them easier. Journaling has helped, but a poem is so personal by comparison. He’s pausing thoughtfully.]

About a crisp morning… that feeling of a new start… something like that.

well, it's not like that's totally impossible, right?

[ Don't worry, Minako isn't fully naive enough to just leave it at that. She knows that it isn't so easy, but she does know that it's always better to have at least one positive thought in the middle of all the negative ones during difficult times like these.

For example: ]

i know it isn't possible right now, but all of us were dragged across time and space to be here. if we can be moved from our own worlds to this one, who's to say we couldn't be brought to other people's worlds? for all we know, once this entire mess here is sorted out, you could ask arthur if he could let you visit their worlds and see them again.

the current situation doesn't have to be forever.

Right.

[He’s met a few people that have left Avalon, then lives out years in their home worlds only to return merely days later. He’s gone home a few times and appeared in different worlds. He knows better than anyone that he can meet another Zuko or Aurora again. Maybe not them, but seeing them is possible, even if it promises more pain and some reassurance as opposed to what affection they might have once held for him.]

I’ve never gone to another persons home world before… just my own, but… I agree with you. It doesn’t seem impossible. You’re right. It will change.

[He’s more worried about how he will change in response to what happens later on.]

Edited 2022-03-06 20:31 (UTC)

The early petals
Are unfurling on the branch.
The dawn comes early.

Something like that?

[ She's almost a little surprised with how easily he agrees, really. If not just because Minako knows that sometimes it's hard, if not impossible, to see the positive side like that when you're trapped in the clutches of sadness and mourning over love.

It's kind of impressive, honestly. ]

from the way you talked about them, you guys seemed really in love. and if that's the case, then i'm sure they will wait for you back home. they'd know that a guy like you wouldn't give up until you'd see them again.

[Gokudera stares at Hijikata at that poetry. It’s nice. Better than he expected, and he looks back down at the page full of his messy writing and gives a small, defeated huff.]

Yeah… that’s better.

[Would Aurora or Zuko have cared? He looks down at the book and takes a long breath in, as if trying to strengthen himself against his own feelings.]

Text; un: Smoking Bomb

text; un: vforvenus, i'm ok with a delayed response!

It’s an ic delay c:

Text | UN: hijikata

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