avalononline | Text; un: Smoking Bomb

[Somehow Hijikata hasn't gotten embittered yet. Maybe it's because he still has two people he loves on Prismatica, and the crystal that'll let him return there once this is all over... at least he puts his trust in that.

He nods at Gokudera's explanation, struggling to come up with any comforting words to say. Losing those two immediately before and after the latest disaster makes it even worse than it already seemed; it's just blow after blow after blow... and his lungs still smoke too, from the looks of it. Apparently no one was able to do anything about that. Hijikata is about to inquire when Gokudera asks him that unexpected question.]

Poetry? Hm... I'm okay at it, I guess.

[He secretly liked writing poetry back home whenever his heavy work load allowed some room for inspiration, but he hasn't taken it back up here on Avalon. The quality of his poems is... debatable.]

Not fae riddles, though. I've had enough of those for a good while.

[He knows when he goes home, everything will be alright. But every day just feels like it gets harder. Gokudera has purpose in his boss, looking after Tsuna, and focusing on being his friend. But he can’t rely too much on anyone, when the length of their stays in this world is so unpredictable.

He used that disaster as a distraction from the pain of losing Aurora, and… Zuko could have been gone longer, and Gokudera would not have known, so preoccupied with fighting to keep New Camelot safe.

Gokudera draws a line through what he’d written and shakes his head.]

I thought that just a haiku would be simple enough. Help me focus on something else… and then I could submit it to Monika… since she’s got that literature club…

[Fighting for the greater good is always a handy distraction, Hijikata knows, but at some point there's no running from the loss... still, they can try to fill the emptiness with other things! Gokudera's mention of Monika, however, throws him off.]

Monika? That young noble, Lady Monika? Does she have long brown hair in a ponytail?

[If it's the same person he met her for the first time only recently, and he's surprised to hear that she apparently leads a literature club! She did enthusiastically encourage him to write a letter to Maribelle to try and resolve his conflict with her, but he didn't expect her to be this invested in writing (and, apparently, reading).]

[He doesn’t mean to throw Hijikata off. His writing is because of Monika. Gokudera journals all the time, but he’s pulling out a folded piece of paper where it has his writing (in Japanese instead of G-Script) on it. There are more lines scratched through, corrections noted.]

Yes?

I see.

[Come to think... didn't he see Gokudera call into Maribelle's call-out broadcast too? Ugh, this whole mess is so upsetting to think about, he doesn't really feel like trying to defend his honour right now. Gokudera is still willing to hang out with him, so his opinion of him can't be totally wrecked!]

So she started a literature club, and in order to get in you've got to submit a haiku for her to judge? Or is this just a standard club activity?

Well, no but she did want me to submit something. It’s not like I have to join her club, but… that she’s encouraged me, and I’d like to give her something. I don’t know how often she even gets submissions.

[Gokudera looks troubled at his own writing.]

It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t even have to submit anything.

[He pouts. Gokudera is just trying to be thoughtful, and show that he not only listened to Monika’s suggestion, but that he was honestly more receptive than she likely knows.]

I don’t know if it’s officially even a club, or if there are other members. She has a place for it… here

[Gokudera navigates to The Literature Corner, a YouTube channel.]

I haven’t decided if I want an alias or not… but working on this has helped me distract myself. [While simultaneously helping him accept his feelings.]

[Hijikata looks at Monika's channel on Gokudera's phone. This young lady sure has the influencer thing down to an art form; everything looks neat, tidy and inviting. So it's like this; she just wants to engage with her followers... that is a good distraction for Gokudera.]

Hm. Well, what's your haiku about? Let's start with that.

[As much as he’s avoiding his feelings, he’s accepted them easier. Journaling has helped, but a poem is so personal by comparison. He’s pausing thoughtfully.]

About a crisp morning… that feeling of a new start… something like that.

The early petals
Are unfurling on the branch.
The dawn comes early.

Something like that?

[Gokudera stares at Hijikata at that poetry. It’s nice. Better than he expected, and he looks back down at the page full of his messy writing and gives a small, defeated huff.]

Yeah… that’s better.

[Would Aurora or Zuko have cared? He looks down at the book and takes a long breath in, as if trying to strengthen himself against his own feelings.]

[Honestly, Hijikata's poetry skills are... not the greatest in the world. If he had more self-awareness about that he'd realise that he's better at prose, but poetry has a long and honourable tradition among samurai, so he's stubborn about it, even if he just managed to repeat a word in even such a short poem.]

Don't force it. Haiku are meant to capture the feeling of the moment. Maybe think of your focus subject first? The air or the plants, the clouds or the mountains...

[Gokudera hasn’t attempted much poetry, and sort of just feels like he should wing it, especially when his emotions are getting the better of him like this.

He sighs (for the millionth time), and shakes his head. It’s so hard not to focus on that feeling of loss. The weight it creates in his chest makes it feel literally painful to smile and he takes in a rattled breath, smoke curling out as he speaks.]

I should try some other time, then.

[He can’t focus on anything other than his feelings, and that’s… not something he thinks anyone wants to read.]

[Hijikata's encouraging smile slowly fades as he sees that smoke from Gokudera's lungs again. To his best knowledge it isn't painful, but still, what a condition to be struck with... and this is already such an improvement compared to when he still had to deal with the collar.]

Yeah, take the time you need. Or... if you have other things that you need to get out first, why not write such a haiku first? Just for yourself. You don't have to submit it to Monika.

[Given Gokudera's double loss he could probably fill a whole poetry book (or music album, if he were so inclined) with only elegies of heartbreak, but why not? Isn't that better than bottling it up? Hijikata usually has an easier time getting heavy feelings out of his system by sparring or training, but he's simply not in a condition where he could offer that to Gokudera.]

I fill up books with writing all the time…

[Not for Monika. Not for anyone other than himself. It’s in letters no one can read.]

Zuko got me this journal so I could practice calligraphy.

[He turns to the first page and there is his name, with something else added in:

無拘束

Unfettered. Unrestrained. Uninhibited.]

I got so mad at him for writing in my journal. It’s… personal, y’know? But… he just wanted to be a part of my life.

[His eyes are tearing up and he turns his head away to wipe them.

Writing reminds him of Zuko. So does tea, and fire, and there are… little reminders everywhere for him about them and it hurts so fucking bad.]

[Hijikata absolutely feels for Gokudera. Okay, this isn't working out. He stands up and puts his books in his bag.]

Let's go for a smoke.

[Smoking always helps him calm his mind a little... and maybe Gokudera does want to talk about it after all, outside under the evening sky. Once they're in the library's enclosed little courtyard, sitting on a bench in their warm clothes, perhaps with a coffee from the little bistro next door to go with their cigarettes if Gokudera felt up for it, he tries to find the right words.]

...

I know there's no guarantee that you'll see Aurora and Zuko again, in this world or another, but they're still part of your life. And that's alright, Gokudera. People can disappear from one day to the next, but our memories of them don't, and neither do the feelings we have for them and they had for us.

[Gokudera was trying to quit, but… he does appreciate the offer, and it’s not like picking it back up is going to make a difference quickly. With magic acting odd, he should have smokes on him to help light his fuses if he needs them. He accepts the cigarette and he has a coffee in his hands as more of a comfort to hold than to drink. The warmth feels nice, and he can use his magic to reheat it, but of course, won’t even think about what he’s doing.

He listens and the words should help, but there’s bitterness rising. The need to hide, to form some kind of protection habitually kicks up and he scoffs, clearly upset and disbelieving what the other says.]

If I see Zuko again, I’m going to wring his stupid neck.

[Gokudera was trying to quit, but Hijikata is such an addict that he already forgot. The pack of cigarettes the bomber gave him is most likely still in one of his uniform pockets. He smiles faintly at his words... that's what he would say too, really. It's easier to say things like that.]

He has it coming, leaving you behind here. What kind of world did he return to, do you know?

[He recalls Zuko's AOL username being 'fireprince', but that's probably just like how Okita back home is a sadist prince. Unless...]

[Gokudera isn’t so dead-set on trying to quit anymore. He’s not stressed enough to need to be chain-smoking alone in his apartment, but the occasional cigarette feels familiar and oddly… comforting.]

I know that Aurora didn’t want to leave, so I can’t be mad at her. But… Zuko has a whole kingdom to get back to… He didn’t want anyone here to know his standing there, or for me to talk too much about him. I think while he was here, he just wanted to lay low.

And all of his friends left him at one point. But right around the same time one of them showed up, he was gone. Right after that invasion… which I’m not grateful for. [People got hurt, and he’s not happy about that. Not happy that they were targeted because some idiot tried to resurrect/wake-up/exhumate someone.]

But it was a good distraction for a minute…

Battles are always a good distraction.

[A distraction and an opportunity to channel sadness, grief, and anger into violence. Totally healthy!]

So you really landed yourself an actual prince! That's pretty amazing.

[In Hijikata's opinion it speaks well of Zuko that he kept a low profile on Avalon, even if it was only for practical reasons - that shows that he thought it through smartly, and in either case he clearly isn't the pompous kind of royalty.]

Aurora didn't want to go? Is she from an unpleasant world?

[He hopes not, but if it's something weighing on Gokudera's mind he can at least share his worries.]

[Except for the fact that he’s been spending over a year getting the hang of his magic and utilizing it in place of his dying will. Gokudera’s not sure what is actually productive. As far as he knows, it’s okay to cry, but not to give up, and… what would make time go by faster? It’s waiting for himself to heal that’s getting difficult.]

Yeah…

[Gokudera doesn’t think he deserves any credit. Zuko was the prince, after all. A far better man than him. And Aurora…]

Mnnn she’d just discovered a lot about herself and… she was royalty as well. I didn’t belong with either of them.

[They could have just been happier with each other and never involved him, but… he knows that’s not the truth. That feeling comes from hurt, lashing out at himself internally is what he’s good at.]

Text; un: Smoking Bomb

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