avalononline | Text; un: Smoking Bomb

I don’t know if I can.

[Dramatic as it may be, he feels like everything hurts. The offers of kindness, words, support. It all just hits hard and painfully when he’s feeling raw, exposed after such a loss.

Even if he wants to talk, he doesn’t know if he can.

He wants them back. Hates feeling like they’re gone, hates accepting the truth. It hurts.]

I would…

[It’s just so damned difficult, surrounded by things, little mementos to remind him of them. He can’t bring them back. He can’t do anything.]

what would you want the most in this moment?

i don't mean the choice between talking or not talking. i mean in general. if you could have one wish right now, what would you have it be?

[ Hey, if he's having trouble talking about it, then Minako will gently nudge things along like this if he wants to talk about it even just a little bit.

While trying to avoid the obvious pitfalls that might only hurt him more - even though she's sure he'll hurt regardless.

It's how moments like these work. The crappy side to the entire love business. ]

[He wants them back. It’s not going to happen. They’ll probably never come back. Tears fall anew and he can only stare at his device, not sure what he should type.

There are things he has from them, the wreath he made with Aurora… the hoodie he’d gifted her. From Zuko… he’s surrounded by reminders of them. He can’t do anything without being haunted by them.]

I want them back.

[It’s not possible, but it’s a wish.

Lying here on his bedroom floor with tears pouring down his temples into his grey hairline, he doesn’t feel hungry or cold. He feels incredibly selfish. Zuko will go and be Fire Lord, and Aurora will marry her prince and be a princess, and… they’ll both forget he even exists.]

I know saying so doesn’t change anything. They likely aren’t coming back, but… if I could have one wish, it would be to have them return.

well, it's not like that's totally impossible, right?

[ Don't worry, Minako isn't fully naive enough to just leave it at that. She knows that it isn't so easy, but she does know that it's always better to have at least one positive thought in the middle of all the negative ones during difficult times like these.

For example: ]

i know it isn't possible right now, but all of us were dragged across time and space to be here. if we can be moved from our own worlds to this one, who's to say we couldn't be brought to other people's worlds? for all we know, once this entire mess here is sorted out, you could ask arthur if he could let you visit their worlds and see them again.

the current situation doesn't have to be forever.

Right.

[He’s met a few people that have left Avalon, then lives out years in their home worlds only to return merely days later. He’s gone home a few times and appeared in different worlds. He knows better than anyone that he can meet another Zuko or Aurora again. Maybe not them, but seeing them is possible, even if it promises more pain and some reassurance as opposed to what affection they might have once held for him.]

I’ve never gone to another persons home world before… just my own, but… I agree with you. It doesn’t seem impossible. You’re right. It will change.

[He’s more worried about how he will change in response to what happens later on.]

Edited 2022-03-06 20:31 (UTC)

[ She's almost a little surprised with how easily he agrees, really. If not just because Minako knows that sometimes it's hard, if not impossible, to see the positive side like that when you're trapped in the clutches of sadness and mourning over love.

It's kind of impressive, honestly. ]

from the way you talked about them, you guys seemed really in love. and if that's the case, then i'm sure they will wait for you back home. they'd know that a guy like you wouldn't give up until you'd see them again.

[It’s great how the network allows for him to lie about his feelings, to just… agree in order to save himself from thinking, feelings, or saying too much. It all hurts, and the agreement is only to make this all easier to handle. He doesn’t have the strength to fight, is too beaten down by his own thoughts to object.

It doesn’t make any difference.

They likely aren’t coming back. Even if there is some possibility he could see them again, he’s never so lucky.

Never.

But the hope helps a little, reassures him that they care when he feels they’ve probably forgotten about him. There’s a few hours before he responds:]

I can’t help feeling like they will show up and not know me. Aurora would probably give me a second chance. Zuko, though… I think he’d be better off if he had never met me.

[And that hurts]

why do you think that?

[ It's a short answer. Not because Minako is busy, mind you, she can just reply to these messages whenever they come in.

But she's keeping it short so she's giving him the floor. So he can say what he wants to say. ]

[His response comes quickly this time.]

When I first met him, I tried to kill him. Aside from that, I attract trouble.

[ Gokudera is so lucky that Minako is being too serious right now to make a usual ditzy statement like 'what kind of enemies to lovers story is this' or something along those lines.. ]

but you guys have gotten much better than that, right? you two got into a relationship!

then there's no reason for him to have been better off without you.

After a year of bickering back and forth! I don’t think there was a single time we were together where we just… relaxed!

[Because Zuko would always touch him, which was very distracting, even if it was just holding hands. Gokudera’s usual tsundere tendencies had him on edge denying how he felt, and then awkwardly expressing in more private scenarios. Zuko was in a relationship with him, and did not seem to care if anyone saw them together. The bomber thinks so lowly of himself that he was his own biggest hurdle. Has been in all of his relationships, honestly.]

Ah, there’s a lot more than that, but I’m not really allowed to say…

[Oh the woes of being in the mafia and pretending not to be, but upholding mafia law when he isn’t even officially part of a family yet, and mentioning the mafia has turned so many people he thought could be friends against him.]

it's okay. you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with.

[ Is Minako curious? Of course. Is she nosy as all heck? Even moreso.

But she's also mature enough to respect people's boundaries when it really comes down to it. ]

seriously though. i can't imagine they wouldn't be happy to see you again. don't think so little of yourself! [ She imagines that's part of what's going on here, anyway, especially with what Gokudera says at first. ] take it from the goddess of love and beauty herself!

even if it hurts now, just think of how nice it'd be when one day you guys can have a reunion. or who knows, maybe you might find someone else to love in the meantime. don't close off your heart!

[Gokudera doesn’t even know if Omertà applies in this world. Does the Tenth care?]

I think I’d just like to go home and forget everything that’s happened over the last four years more than I’d like to pursue love.

[He’ll take blowing himself over this heartache any day, thanks.]

and forget all that you've learned? all that you've experienced? all that you've become?

[ After all, Minako fiercely believes that she wouldn't be the person she was now without all of her heartbreak.

For better or worse.

Would he just throw that away? ]

…

[When he goes home and doesn’t remember any of it, only to wake up again a few weeks later in a different world with the scars reappearing, the haunting loss, the idea that he would need to supply a world with more energy via sex, magic, murder? He’s tired, and aged beyond his body.

Realistically, with how long he’s been gone from home, when the time hits him only mentally and the damage creeps, it’s hard to feel significant. But… he knows and hopes he meant something. If he forgot it all…

A do-over would be nice. A chance to be himself again, before he felt like he had to cut himself into small pieces and leave nothing left for himself…

He says none of this, and there is some pause to indicate him typing, even the floating ellipsis.]

Yes. I don’t have a choice, though, so it does not matter.

Edited (And i forgot the floating ellipsis XD) 2022-03-17 03:20 (UTC)

be careful what you wish for.

[ Minako's reply doesn't take as long to reply, though it perhaps sounds a little ominous.. Not that she's planning anything, or even suspecting anything, it's just - these things happen to become reality more often than you'd think, in her opinion.

And she's not sure if it'll turn out quite the way he expected it to. ]

good luck with everything for now though. if you end up wanting to talk more later, just send me a message. [ Because it doesn't sound like there's much more she can do or say for him right now. ]

You really think something like that could happen?

[Why not, Gokudera? You made a wish last year and it came true, albeit a bit mangled and misconstrued, but it came true.

What if this wish just yeets him to some other world? What if he gets some permanent amnesia? What if everyone forgets him? That’d suck.

But he would expect something worse to happen to him. It usually does.]

Alright.

Text; un: Smoking Bomb

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