avalononline | Text; un: Smoking Bomb

[It’s great how the network allows for him to lie about his feelings, to just… agree in order to save himself from thinking, feelings, or saying too much. It all hurts, and the agreement is only to make this all easier to handle. He doesn’t have the strength to fight, is too beaten down by his own thoughts to object.

It doesn’t make any difference.

They likely aren’t coming back. Even if there is some possibility he could see them again, he’s never so lucky.

Never.

But the hope helps a little, reassures him that they care when he feels they’ve probably forgotten about him. There’s a few hours before he responds:]

I can’t help feeling like they will show up and not know me. Aurora would probably give me a second chance. Zuko, though… I think he’d be better off if he had never met me.

[And that hurts]

[Honestly, Hijikata's poetry skills are... not the greatest in the world. If he had more self-awareness about that he'd realise that he's better at prose, but poetry has a long and honourable tradition among samurai, so he's stubborn about it, even if he just managed to repeat a word in even such a short poem.]

Don't force it. Haiku are meant to capture the feeling of the moment. Maybe think of your focus subject first? The air or the plants, the clouds or the mountains...

why do you think that?

[ It's a short answer. Not because Minako is busy, mind you, she can just reply to these messages whenever they come in.

But she's keeping it short so she's giving him the floor. So he can say what he wants to say. ]

[His response comes quickly this time.]

When I first met him, I tried to kill him. Aside from that, I attract trouble.

[Gokudera hasn’t attempted much poetry, and sort of just feels like he should wing it, especially when his emotions are getting the better of him like this.

He sighs (for the millionth time), and shakes his head. It’s so hard not to focus on that feeling of loss. The weight it creates in his chest makes it feel literally painful to smile and he takes in a rattled breath, smoke curling out as he speaks.]

I should try some other time, then.

[He can’t focus on anything other than his feelings, and that’s… not something he thinks anyone wants to read.]

[ Gokudera is so lucky that Minako is being too serious right now to make a usual ditzy statement like 'what kind of enemies to lovers story is this' or something along those lines.. ]

but you guys have gotten much better than that, right? you two got into a relationship!

then there's no reason for him to have been better off without you.

After a year of bickering back and forth! I don’t think there was a single time we were together where we just… relaxed!

[Because Zuko would always touch him, which was very distracting, even if it was just holding hands. Gokudera’s usual tsundere tendencies had him on edge denying how he felt, and then awkwardly expressing in more private scenarios. Zuko was in a relationship with him, and did not seem to care if anyone saw them together. The bomber thinks so lowly of himself that he was his own biggest hurdle. Has been in all of his relationships, honestly.]

Ah, there’s a lot more than that, but I’m not really allowed to say…

[Oh the woes of being in the mafia and pretending not to be, but upholding mafia law when he isn’t even officially part of a family yet, and mentioning the mafia has turned so many people he thought could be friends against him.]

[Hijikata's encouraging smile slowly fades as he sees that smoke from Gokudera's lungs again. To his best knowledge it isn't painful, but still, what a condition to be struck with... and this is already such an improvement compared to when he still had to deal with the collar.]

Yeah, take the time you need. Or... if you have other things that you need to get out first, why not write such a haiku first? Just for yourself. You don't have to submit it to Monika.

[Given Gokudera's double loss he could probably fill a whole poetry book (or music album, if he were so inclined) with only elegies of heartbreak, but why not? Isn't that better than bottling it up? Hijikata usually has an easier time getting heavy feelings out of his system by sparring or training, but he's simply not in a condition where he could offer that to Gokudera.]

it's okay. you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with.

[ Is Minako curious? Of course. Is she nosy as all heck? Even moreso.

But she's also mature enough to respect people's boundaries when it really comes down to it. ]

seriously though. i can't imagine they wouldn't be happy to see you again. don't think so little of yourself! [ She imagines that's part of what's going on here, anyway, especially with what Gokudera says at first. ] take it from the goddess of love and beauty herself!

even if it hurts now, just think of how nice it'd be when one day you guys can have a reunion. or who knows, maybe you might find someone else to love in the meantime. don't close off your heart!

[Gokudera doesn’t even know if Omertà applies in this world. Does the Tenth care?]

I think I’d just like to go home and forget everything that’s happened over the last four years more than I’d like to pursue love.

[He’ll take blowing himself over this heartache any day, thanks.]

I fill up books with writing all the time…

[Not for Monika. Not for anyone other than himself. It’s in letters no one can read.]

Zuko got me this journal so I could practice calligraphy.

[He turns to the first page and there is his name, with something else added in:

無拘束

Unfettered. Unrestrained. Uninhibited.]

I got so mad at him for writing in my journal. It’s… personal, y’know? But… he just wanted to be a part of my life.

[His eyes are tearing up and he turns his head away to wipe them.

Writing reminds him of Zuko. So does tea, and fire, and there are… little reminders everywhere for him about them and it hurts so fucking bad.]

[Hijikata absolutely feels for Gokudera. Okay, this isn't working out. He stands up and puts his books in his bag.]

Let's go for a smoke.

[Smoking always helps him calm his mind a little... and maybe Gokudera does want to talk about it after all, outside under the evening sky. Once they're in the library's enclosed little courtyard, sitting on a bench in their warm clothes, perhaps with a coffee from the little bistro next door to go with their cigarettes if Gokudera felt up for it, he tries to find the right words.]

...

I know there's no guarantee that you'll see Aurora and Zuko again, in this world or another, but they're still part of your life. And that's alright, Gokudera. People can disappear from one day to the next, but our memories of them don't, and neither do the feelings we have for them and they had for us.

[Gokudera was trying to quit, but… he does appreciate the offer, and it’s not like picking it back up is going to make a difference quickly. With magic acting odd, he should have smokes on him to help light his fuses if he needs them. He accepts the cigarette and he has a coffee in his hands as more of a comfort to hold than to drink. The warmth feels nice, and he can use his magic to reheat it, but of course, won’t even think about what he’s doing.

He listens and the words should help, but there’s bitterness rising. The need to hide, to form some kind of protection habitually kicks up and he scoffs, clearly upset and disbelieving what the other says.]

If I see Zuko again, I’m going to wring his stupid neck.

and forget all that you've learned? all that you've experienced? all that you've become?

[ After all, Minako fiercely believes that she wouldn't be the person she was now without all of her heartbreak.

For better or worse.

Would he just throw that away? ]

[Gokudera was trying to quit, but Hijikata is such an addict that he already forgot. The pack of cigarettes the bomber gave him is most likely still in one of his uniform pockets. He smiles faintly at his words... that's what he would say too, really. It's easier to say things like that.]

He has it coming, leaving you behind here. What kind of world did he return to, do you know?

[He recalls Zuko's AOL username being 'fireprince', but that's probably just like how Okita back home is a sadist prince. Unless...]

[Gokudera isn’t so dead-set on trying to quit anymore. He’s not stressed enough to need to be chain-smoking alone in his apartment, but the occasional cigarette feels familiar and oddly… comforting.]

I know that Aurora didn’t want to leave, so I can’t be mad at her. But… Zuko has a whole kingdom to get back to… He didn’t want anyone here to know his standing there, or for me to talk too much about him. I think while he was here, he just wanted to lay low.

And all of his friends left him at one point. But right around the same time one of them showed up, he was gone. Right after that invasion… which I’m not grateful for. [People got hurt, and he’s not happy about that. Not happy that they were targeted because some idiot tried to resurrect/wake-up/exhumate someone.]

But it was a good distraction for a minute…

…

[When he goes home and doesn’t remember any of it, only to wake up again a few weeks later in a different world with the scars reappearing, the haunting loss, the idea that he would need to supply a world with more energy via sex, magic, murder? He’s tired, and aged beyond his body.

Realistically, with how long he’s been gone from home, when the time hits him only mentally and the damage creeps, it’s hard to feel significant. But… he knows and hopes he meant something. If he forgot it all…

A do-over would be nice. A chance to be himself again, before he felt like he had to cut himself into small pieces and leave nothing left for himself…

He says none of this, and there is some pause to indicate him typing, even the floating ellipsis.]

Yes. I don’t have a choice, though, so it does not matter.

Edited (And i forgot the floating ellipsis XD) 2022-03-17 03:20 (UTC)

Battles are always a good distraction.

[A distraction and an opportunity to channel sadness, grief, and anger into violence. Totally healthy!]

So you really landed yourself an actual prince! That's pretty amazing.

[In Hijikata's opinion it speaks well of Zuko that he kept a low profile on Avalon, even if it was only for practical reasons - that shows that he thought it through smartly, and in either case he clearly isn't the pompous kind of royalty.]

Aurora didn't want to go? Is she from an unpleasant world?

[He hopes not, but if it's something weighing on Gokudera's mind he can at least share his worries.]

[Except for the fact that he’s been spending over a year getting the hang of his magic and utilizing it in place of his dying will. Gokudera’s not sure what is actually productive. As far as he knows, it’s okay to cry, but not to give up, and… what would make time go by faster? It’s waiting for himself to heal that’s getting difficult.]

Yeah…

[Gokudera doesn’t think he deserves any credit. Zuko was the prince, after all. A far better man than him. And Aurora…]

Mnnn she’d just discovered a lot about herself and… she was royalty as well. I didn’t belong with either of them.

[They could have just been happier with each other and never involved him, but… he knows that’s not the truth. That feeling comes from hurt, lashing out at himself internally is what he’s good at.]

(Continued from here!)

Hijikata wishes he knew what could make it easier. In his experience one simply has to push through, keep busy, apply oneself, take one day after the next.]

You got two royals to fall for you? You've got to have something about you that's irresistible to them.

[He's teasing him, trying to lighten the mood, but he follows it up with something more sincere.]

Don't say you didn't belong with them. They chose you, didn't they?

[Gokudera’s ears turn a bit pink as he thinks of how lucky he was. He’ll never be that lucky ever again, probably. He has no idea why either of them liked him. Well… he knew better Zuko’s reasoning than Aurora’s. They had a couple arguments and conversations, and neither of them got much of a confession out.

He nods gently, but frowns. Whatever it was they saw… he wonders what it was.]

No idea why! Nearly every single friend of Zuko’s hates me. Said I was just gonna hurt him again, and honestly, they’d have been better together and it’s not like any of it even matters!

[It doesn’t.

No matter what he feels, nothing is going to bring them back. He won’t get any do-overs, any chances to tell either of them how lucky he felt.

His hand go to his eyes, and he presses the heels in so he sees stars, then takes a deep rattled breath, cigarette still perched between his lips.]

…

I’ve been really lucky.

[Hijikata remembers that Zuko's friends thought poorly of Gokudera. Well, it really doesn't matter anymore now, does it? He exhales smoke.]

It's hard to understand, isn't it?

[He also never understood why Mitsuba liked him. Such a gentle woman... what did she see in an abrasive, violent man like him?]

I know you didn't hurt Zuko.

[He doesn't know that at all, but he believes it. Gokudera is an earnest boy. Hijikata saw how happy and excited he was to enjoy a night out with his partners. Whatever reservations the others had about him, he's convinced that they were based on prejudices.]

[He sighs and slumps forward even more.]

I did. Before… the collar, and my time in those other worlds. He knew too much about the Tenth and the family, and my powers. I definitely overreacted and tried to kill him. So…

[A drag off the smoke and he relaxes a little more. What can he do to change what happened? Nothing.]

Yeah. I did. I mean, I wouldn’t try to hurt him unless I have good reason, but… I’m not the only person he left behind.

[He’d reach out to Hikaru, but…]

be careful what you wish for.

[ Minako's reply doesn't take as long to reply, though it perhaps sounds a little ominous.. Not that she's planning anything, or even suspecting anything, it's just - these things happen to become reality more often than you'd think, in her opinion.

And she's not sure if it'll turn out quite the way he expected it to. ]

good luck with everything for now though. if you end up wanting to talk more later, just send me a message. [ Because it doesn't sound like there's much more she can do or say for him right now. ]

[Well, that's a surprise. Hijikata had no idea that Gokudera and Zuko were together on another world before Avalon! He simply assumed that Zuko's friends were worried because he'd been hurt by some other partner before.]

So the two of you go way back to multiple worlds ago? And all his friends were on that world with you too? Regardless, going from "I tried to kill him" to "He's my boyfriend now" is one hell of a development. 'Enemies to Lovers' rarely ever happens in real life!

[~~What is he calling "real life"...~~]

Whom else did he leave behind here, another boyfriend or girlfriend?

[He thought it was just a tricycle! Are there side branches?]

Text; un: Smoking Bomb

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Continued from above!

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