text; un: lilmonix3 [locked from: kipposhi]

[peninhand]

[ First it starts as a video feed, but Monika looks clearly unhappy and bothered by something. She doesn't find her words and after a couple seconds the video feed ends, switching to text messaging instead. ]

Hey everyone, Monika here!

What do you do to keep yourself busy in Avalon when nothing's happening? I have like, no energy. I've barely left my room this past week, ahaha! I'm trying to get myself out of this rut, but it's like as soon as I decide myself to do something, I lose all willpower.

Also, I'm turning nineteen on the 22nd. I don't have anything planned, but I guess I'd like to at least keep the day from being absolutely boring. I'll take any and all tips on how to kill time and get yourself out of a low energy phase.

Thank you! ♥

Comments

[reloves]

[ It's true. Minako has no idea who that is, but it's not like it'd be impossible to find out, considering the network they all use in this place. She wouldn't even have to ask around - she could just dig a little on there, and find out who he is and where to find him.

The only thing that keeps her from doing that right now is that she respects Monika's wishes way too much to do it in this moment. But her hands are itching. Itching so bad. ]

Even if you'll be fine, it's not like you're fine now, right?

[ Maybe it's putting a finger on the sore spot, naming something that they've kind of kept under wraps here, pretending that elephant wasn't in this room, but Minako can't help it. Maybe it's hypocritical, but it feels terrible to force Monika to pretend she's okay, even though she went through something this awful. ]

Because.. what he did to you wasn't fine. That's not something anyone should be doing to anyone, let alone to you! He should have known how much that would hurt you of all people after what you told him!

[peninhand]

Talking with you has helped a whole lot, you know. [She meant it. She'd been feeling better up till she'd mentioned that. Heck, that was because she'd been better that she'd been able to mention it.] It does hurt, but...

[ But what? It would be a lie to say it was okay. Ah, the roles had been reversed so quickly. Just a minute ago, Minako had been the one torn and she'd been the one trying to comfort her. But a lot of the things Minako had said had resonated with her. Different situations, different fates, and yet— ]

Earlier you said you used to wonder if there's something wrong with you... I'm wondering that too. The player, now this... Maybe it wasn't the game that kept me from knowing love. Maybe there's something essentially wrong with me.

[ Rationally, those were only two examples. But they were the only ones she had experienced, and they'd both been disastrous. With the player, her despair and obsession had led to her becoming a monster, and eventually to her death. With Kipposhi it had been less dramatic... But that only reinforced the idea that this wasn't meant to be. Even on another world, even free from the game. Maybe the problem was her. ]

What if my creator made it so I could never be chosen... Because I don't know how to love? Because I can't love? [It made a scary amount of sense... Even if it contradicted some of the things she knew and suspected about her reality. In a void, it really sounded logical.] But even then, I don't want to give up. And I guess that's why I don't want you to give up, either. [She smiled once more, a surprisingly natural smile.] I want to believe this is a world of infinite possibilities. I want to believe here we can fight our fates— And find happiness. If someone as amazing as you can't do it, then what hope is there for me?

[reloves]

[ For a moment all Minako can do is stare.

Because what else is she supposed to say, especially to that last part? It feels like absolutely anything she could say here would be hypocritical. Like telling Monika that there's no way it could be true that the other is destined to fail. Like telling her that she shouldn't give up. How can she tell Monika any of those things, when Minako won't believe them about herself?

So rather than saying something, Minako initially opts to let actions speak instead. She wraps her arms around the other girl, pulling her into a close and tight hug, burying her face against Monika's shoulder for a moment as she lightly squeezes her. ]

Well.. I can't let you not have hope..

[ Even if that means Minako has to try herself, which is Terrifying on so many levels. ]

I just want you to be able to be happy here. You want to be happy here so badly, so I really want things here to be that way for you.. [ And not filled with rude men who would pull this kind of thing on Monika. Ugh. Why do they always have to ruin things? ]

[peninhand]

[ That sudden hug caught her aback— As did the words that accompanied it.

"I just want you to be able to be happy here." It was perhaps the very first time she'd heard anyone express so openly that they wanted her to be happy. Of course, her friends had told her before they were glad she had a chance in her world. She knew they wished for her happiness, but... It was implicit, unsaid. And back in her homeworld, that wasn't even worth talking about. Her creator had never intended for her to feel a sliver of happiness.

She wraps her arms around her and rests her face against Minako's shoulder as well, crying. Silently so. She didn't want to erupt into a sobbing mess once again, but she couldn't help a few tears from streaming down. ]

Ahaha, gosh... I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry this time.

[ It was so selfish, wasn't it? She shouldn't project so hard on Minako, to the point the girl felt forced to give love a chance. She'd wanted to convince her, but not to force her... And certainly not to guilt trip her. She should say something...

But she didn't have it in her to do it. It was selfish. But it felt nice... Like she wasn't alone in that struggle. Like they were in this together. ]

Thank you, Minako... [She closed her eyes, she couldn't let that be about her. Maybe it was selfish, but what she'd heard earlier... She suffered so much, too. It wasn't right.] And you deserve happiness too. Please... Please don't forget it...

[reloves]

[ Moreso than hearing Monika cry, it's almost more like she can feel the other girl crying a little when the two of them are this close to each other. It's just obvious from the way Monika's body moves, from perhaps a slight hitch.

And so Minako immediately starts rubbing a hand across the other girl's back, like she's trying to gently soothe the other without drawing any verbal attention to the tears. She knows Monika doesn't like crying in front of other people, so Minako - in turn - will spare her that dignity. ]

I know.

[ It's said softly, but strangely fondly. Her tone is warm, and there's a slight smile on her face as she continues to rub circles on the other girl's back. ]

But, you know.. I'm already pretty happy. I know that there's still some stuff I could work on.. [ Well.

More like 'a lot of stuff'. ]

And I want to try and do that. But it's not like I'm unhappy right now either. I don't hate my duty at all. Fighting for the people I care for so I can be happy alongside them.. It's really important to me. More than anything, I want to keep the people I care for safe.

[ She lets out a slight laugh, and then adds: ] You too, Monika-chan. If I need to go after the guy who hurt you, or if anyone else is ever crappy to you, just let me know right away and I'll help. Just like you're a princess, and I'm your loyal knight!

[peninhand]

[ She wondered... Was she really happy? It made no doubt she felt that way when hanging out with her friends or doing fun things. But by that token, Monika should be happy too. She had good friends, she did fun stuff with them every now and then. She did feel "joy" in those moments, yet she couldn't say she was happy as a whole. Obviously they weren't talking about ephemeral happiness. There was something beyond this. The kind of true and lasting happiness people longed for. The one which, when absent, cast a shadow over everything else.

And after everything she'd heard today? She couldn't believe Minako had that sort of happiness. Not when she'd been forced to give up on her dreams.

Yet... She couldn't ignore any longer how selfish it was, to project so much. Her problems, her expectations, her hopes— Even if they shared similarities, she couldn't simply put the weight of her own burden on Minako's shoulders. She remained silent a moment, just gathering her thoughts in the comforting embrace. When finally she was sure no tears were streaming down any more, she pulled back slightly to look at Minako. ]

I want to see my friends safe too. To help everyone be happy... [She looked down.] But I'm far too selfish to content myself with that.

[ The person she'd once been may have been happy with nothing but friendships and the knowledge her loved ones are safe. But the person she'd become... Didn't want to settle for anything less than a perfect ending. ]

Ahaha. Me, a princess? [She laughed. It was a fun thought... And she could even technically get the nobility title if she wanted.] Well, you already have a princess to protect. A real one. [She smiled sweetly and tilted her head to the side.] But I'm glad I made a precious friend like you here.

[reloves]

I don't think that's selfish.

[ But then again, Minako is heavily biased, isn't she. She'd have a hard time ever saying anything rude about a friend, let alone someone she really wants to see happy. So of course she would answer that way, without even having to think about it, as she slowly lets go of the other girl. ]

You're just looking out for yourself! Besides, who could blame you for wanting the love you deserve so badly when it's been denied to you for so long, you know?

[ There's a slight pause, but then Minako shakes her head, looking a little bit more sheepish. ]

And, um.. I guess I should let you finish brushing my hair, huh. [ She might be feeling a little embarrassed that she had such an outburst over the idea of someone harassing Monika and interrupted all of that.. But she couldn't help it! She really did feel that passionate about it in the moment! ]

[peninhand]

[ Who could blame her... No one, asides from herself. That was always the same issue. Her worst enemy was herself. But this wasn't an issue limited to Monika, most people were like that. And did this not apply to Minako either? Who would blame her if she pursued her other dreams? No one in all likelihood. Except herself.

Regardless, Monika managed to go back to her smiling self when Minako spoke of brushing her hair. She nodded and patted the chair. ]

Mhm! I can't let you with only half of your hair done, ahaha~!

[ It was easier to smile when she was doing something for someone other than herself. Maybe that was what Minako meant... Regardless, Monika picked back the brush. ]

I really let myself go in the days following that date... I felt like I had no reason to keep taking care of myself. [She raised a finger. Thank goodness there were no picture records of the mess her hair had been after a few days.] But we don't need a reason to want and feel pretty, right? Boys least of all.