Rider (坂本龍馬 | Sakamoto Ryouma) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
amakakeru) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
avalononline2021-09-11 08:27 pm
amakakeru) wrote in avalononline2021-09-11 08:27 pm
text; un: Rider
How many of you have been introduced to someone by the name of Sakamoto Ryouma?
[ Yes, someone has been dealing with Problems in overhearing his True Name. ]
I'm just curious to know how many of you there are and what you know.
[ Not that he doesn't have his suspicions, of course. What a fantastic introduction to a new world! ]
[ Yes, someone has been dealing with Problems in overhearing his True Name. ]
I'm just curious to know how many of you there are and what you know.
[ Not that he doesn't have his suspicions, of course. What a fantastic introduction to a new world! ]
no subject
That's all it takes to get ya soundin' like yourself again, huh? [ that's worth noting, actually... for Reasons. ] Lightweight.
[ his voice cracking when he tries to laugh sounds particularly pathetic, so he takes this opportunity to finish off the bottle. probably a good thing, too, since ryouma setting his hand on his knee almost makes him jump. his face already feels too hot, and now his ears feel like they're burning, and the only consolation is maybe ryouma's already too drunk to remember those details later. ]
And ya keep sayin' that like I don't know yer a damn busybody. Even if I did keep pushin' I know ya wouldn't listen.
[ he already knows ryouma wouldn't have managed to do the things he'd done in life or as a servant if he was one to give up easily. izō doesn't comment on the other part. he heard it, but he's afraid to even really think about it, if only because it means having to consider a situation where he might find himself totally alone again. this — whatever he wants to call this; are they friends now, again? — is much too fragile to bear that kind of weight, so he sets that aside. they're just words. izō does still feel a bit guilty, especially since the sound of ryouma's voice so easily reminds him of old times, but he can't; izō has to figure out how to trust again too.
he's about to say something else when he gets momentarily sidetracked by a rustling sound that had appeared at some point. having a familiar is still new and strange, but he's getting used to having it pop up at random times to nose into his business — literally — so that's what he's expecting when he glances back over his shoulder. ]
Oh, fuck you. [ it's fine. he just shifts positions a little. having a filter so he didn't just say things would be great, but he has no such thing. ] S'nothin'.
[ his already poorly controlled magic definitely doesn't get worse when he's drinking or anything. he's ignoring it and everyone else should too. as a matter of fact, this isn't even about him. ]
Coulda just asked earlier, y'know. Instead of makin' posts, I mean...
no subject
[ So yes, he is a lightweight.
He lets his touch linger for a moment, definitely noting how red his ears turn before moving his hand away. Oh no, that is dangerously cute...Don't. Now is not the time for that -- this conversation is going much better than he thought it would and doing anything to jeopardize that is out of the question.
That doesn't stop him from getting a little too excited about what's going on with Izō. Is it his familiar...? No, not that he can see. A shame that because he hasn't seen another besides his own. He still leans in closer to see what all the fuss is about. ]
Eh...? What's goin' on? Is it your familiar? Can I see it?
[ Not the time!! At least he has the self-awareness to look embarrassed as he backs out of Izō's personal space again. He offers a sheepish smile, both for his behavior and in response to the question. ]
'm sorry 'bout that. I wanted t' make sure there really wasn't another 'me' around here. That ain't outta th' question in a place like this, y'know? I wasn't tryin' t' make a fool outta ya or nothin'.
[ That really is the truth of the matter. Things are weird here and all possibilities needed to be considered. If he really only thought it was Izō, he would've gone to him first. ]
no subject
[ despite his protest, he's not angry, but only because he's still flustered and embarrassed. ]
Ain't nothin' special anyway even if it was my familiar. Nothin' ya probably haven't seen before...
[ he couldn't have bonded with something cool and interesting like a dragon or a tiger or something, could he? his mind's a bit sluggish as he is, so by the time he settles enough to be irritated again, ryouma's already backed off again anyway and answered his question.
he brushes away what feels like stray hairs tickling his face, not realising the itchy feeling is where his hair has settled differently now that he also has a pair of triangular ears to match the tail he doesn't want ryouma to know about. ]
... Oh. Y'know I forgot about that. I remember people were sayin' there were another Nobunaga runnin' around besides Kipposhi for a while. Like anybody needs more of them. This whole thing's a big enough headache without havin' to keep track of doubles.
[ no, having to deal with one of anybody is enough.
...
wait. ]
Yah! Like that cheatin' Saber! She looked kinda like Okita but she had a Western-style of fightin'.
[ as of when he'd come from, no one had encountered artoria and she was hiding her sword anyway. just some famous knight or something probably, right? ]
no subject
Ryouma doesn't listen to that screaming. Nope, by the time he has any reservations about what he's doing, it's too late. He is already stroking one ear with his fingertips, marveling at how soft it is. It's softer than the rest of his hair, which he also finds himself petting.
Izō is going to kill him. He's going to gut him and leave him in a pool of his own blood and rightfully so. Knowing this fact, he still doesn't stop. Instead, he just looks mortified at his own actions, unable to stop or even say anything to defend himself. His face flushes in embarrassment and yet he continues to pet.
Take him, sweet death. ]
no subject
yes, izō is going to kill him. that's what he's decided. his mind's all made up. the disrespect! he even looks pissed off, like he wants to yell. so... why hasn't he moved yet? it's like something keeps undermining his killing intent. sure, he could murder ryouma, which is what the human part of his mind would like to do to save face in this situation, but that seems like a lot of effort when he could also not do that and sit here and feel nice, which is the argument the part of him that controls his newly acquired canine traits is banking on, apparently. it's only out of stubbornness that he manages to avoid leaning into it, but it's bad enough. he's a manslayer! he's supposed to be feared! this is not the dog analogy he wanted.
is it worse that this is happening in the first place or that it's working? ]
Oi, Ryouma. The fuck you doin'?
[ you can't just pet people. ]
no subject
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I dunno what came over me. Those ears were jus' so cute... [ He looks up finally, red-faced as ever. Is he drunk enough to make this even worse? ] Don't tell me you're hidin' a tail, too.
[ Yes, yes he is. ]
no subject
[ you can't just say that either! this is why izō doesn't take compliments: he's incapable of knowing how to deal with compliments. ]
I'll show ya cute.
[ grumbling now. that sounded like a threat when it was still in his head. less so outside of it. ]
Yer lucky I just ain't in the mood to kill ya right now.
[ it's a very multi-purpose excuse that could have been the end of it if ryouma didn't open his mouth again...
izō reaches behind him to pin the stupid thing down because it seems to want to wag at everything he finds infuriating, which gives that away even before he says anything. ]
So what if I was?! You keep yer hands to yourself!
[ today in "things he didn't wake up imagining he'd have to say". ]
no subject
Is it because'a your magic? Ya really are somethin' special, Izō.
[ There's an immense fondness and warmth in his tone. It's not just words, he really does think it's amazing that Izō can conjure up such realistic ears and tail, even if he didn't mean to! What wonders this world holds... ]
no subject
and yet it's the same as the other things he's said in the past that stuck in izō's mind and have always complicated matters no matter how much izō's wanted to hate him. ]
Jus' somethin' that happens when I been drinkin' sometimes. Ain't like I can control it...
[ and the stupid fluffy tail only continues to betray him because the one brain cell that matters only hears good boy. ]
no subject
But it's still somethin' ya did. I can't do anythin' like it even if I wanted to.
[ He's barely started learning anything, so even accidental effects are out of the question. ]
Be proud of it. [ He gently ruffles Izō's hair with a warm smile. ] Wonder what you'll be able t' do with a li'l practice...Somethin' amazin', 'm sure.
[ Now he's certainly getting too sentimental for his own good. Ah, he's been...a lot in the past few minutes. Ryouma looks embarrassed once again as he scoots away, out of his personal space. ]
Sorry for gettin' in your face like that.
no subject
[ he tries to look bothered by having his hair ruffled like that but after everything else that's happened it's probably too little and too late to actually be convincing. besides, it's not like anyone could tell it's any messier than usual. ]
And now I know yer jus' drunk and runnin' yer mouth. Don't even see how shit like this is s'posed to save anything anyway.
[ he can't think of anything he'd done in the past that would inspire that sort of confidence, especially given that it's magic which probably requires study and he's never been good at that. so yeah, definitely drunk. nice try. ]
S'fine. Call it even. Y'know... 'cause of the other time.
[ which is about as close to an apology as he's ever going to get for stealing ryouma's breakfast and then storming off over nothing. ]
no subject
Ryouma flops back with a sigh. He's just going to let the other part of the conversation go -- he is well too drunk to defend himself and his words. He does believe that Izō can do something amazing with the magic he has, he just needs to find a way to apply it. The floating feeling he has right now means that trying to say as much will end poorly. ]
Alright, then we're even. [ That gentle smile remains. ] I wasn't even real upset 'bout that...I was more worried I'd done somethin' t' piss ya off enough t' never talk t' me again.
no subject
Done what? Jus' didn't expect it, is all. I was already pissed off before I seen ya, so—...
[ so chalk that one up to his usual free-floating hostility making things worse than they might've been ordinarily. that's at least a part of it. there's definitely a component to what he feels about the whole thing that he barely understands himself because who sits around thinking about things like that in a useful way?
not him.it's much easier to just get angry about it and walk away. ]Next time say somethin'. [ and maybe izō won't sit there and eat your breakfast while you watch? ] Anyway, figured it'd only be a matter of time before ya showed up here. If it didn't get sorted sooner or later I'd probably have t'deal with that fuckin' Kipposhi buttin' in and then I might've had to kill him jus' to shut 'im up.
no subject
It's not something he wants to think about right now. It's something he wants to work to soothe, not to forget it, but to work past it. That's for the future, though; the present Ryouma is too drunk to have a meaningful discussion about it. ]
I thought lettin' ya eat my food would make ya less upset. [ That makes about as much sense as anything else. ] Hm...Well, I guess 'm glad I showed up when I did, if it kept ya from killin' Kipposhi.
[ If he could be of any help, that's enough for him. ]
...I just wish Oryou-san could've come with.
no subject
Nah, I didn't try an' kill 'im the last time either. He came lookin' and hopin' to find you actually...
[ had he mentioned that before? he can't remember. it's possible, but only because he thinks about it more than he should. it had been too public a place to react like he might have wanted to and now they have a sort of arrangement, so going back on his word and murdering his would-be partner in... whatever kipposhi's planning... would reflect poorly on him. his set of dog ears also seem to be just as expressive as the tail since they flatten a bit unconsciously. ]
Disappointed, as y'might expect. [ he chuckles a little but even drinking can't make him a good enough actor to pretend it's a good sound. ] But I guess whether or not he woulda tried t'stick his nose in business that ain't his depends on how much he'd need me to do somethin'...
[ izō winces a little internally at the mention of oryou. it's not that he minds exactly — and had expected it to happen eventually — but he doesn't exactly know how to be comforting either. ]
Can't say I miss wonderin' if she might really decide to up and eat me one day instead of jus' threatenin' to...
[ he picks at a string on his clothing idly, because that means he doesn't have to look at ryouma instead. ]
Shit, I dunno. Wouldn't know what that's like, always havin' somebody around all the time! Guess it'd be too quiet here for yer tastes, huh? Still could turn up though, she'd jus' probably hate the whole bein' human now business...
no subject
Back on Kipposhi mistaking Izō for him...hm. That laugh...Ah. Even as drunk as he is, he gets it. Izō must feel as if he's living in everyone else's shadow, cast aside in favor of those he knew. Not a great feeling to be everyone's second choice. ]
Mm...That explains somethin'. [ Mostly why Kipposhi decided to volunteer him for something he wasn't particularly interested in doing. ] I don't really wanna get roped in with whatever he's doing, but it looks like I'm not being given much of choice. I'm...jus' goin' to have to learn to deal with that.
[ Inconvenient.
He sort of props himself up on one elbow so he can reach over and...stroke Izō's hair and ears again. It's comforting right now, please don't lord this over him later. ]
She never ate anyone that she said she was gonna, don't worry 'bout that. [ A little laugh. ] I think she's more fond'a ya than she lets on.
[ Otherwise she would have eaten him already. The simpler answer is that she knows Ryouma likes him for some reason and therefore he is off limits. That doesn't stop the threats, of course. ]
...But you're right, it's prolly better she ain't here for everyone else's sake.
[ Even as a human, she'd probably cause some kind of chaos... ]
no subject
unfortunately, the momentary amusement soon drains back out of his expression; ryouma's words are not what he'd expected to hear. ]
Who says? Ya never went along with shit ya didn't agree with before, why start now?
[ it's a little annoying, honestly. that insistence on doing his own thing had been part of the problem that had set them on different paths once. why should he just roll over for someone else now? it's true that more than once he'd imagined ryouma would be far better suited to all this than him, but izō also knew less of the man ryouma had become to accomplish his goals than he had when they were younger. ryouma seemed sure enough of himself at the time and made it look easy, especially compared to izō's own indecision. that impression held up even when they'd become servants, so he'd just assumed now would be no different.
again the gentle touch is more soothing than he would like, but at least it helps him to avoid getting worked up. though it surprised him at first it doesn't take a genius to guess why it's probably happening as ryouma continues about oryou. there's a lot here to get used to. it not unreasonable to feel out of sorts. ]
What's the hurry anyway? This place ain't like Chaldea. Worry about yer own self for a change, huh?
[ he says so with a huff, because otherwise it might sound too nice of a suggestion and that can't stand. ]
no subject
He wouldn't take no for an answer. 'm gonna meet with someone he's insistin' I meet, but anythin' more'n that or if it's somethin' I don't wanna do, I'll push back.
[ So he's going to at least hear him out. More generous than he should be, but what's the harm in that much? It might be a decent partnership and he doesn't want to just reject it outright.
Izō's patience is still a surprise, so he continues to test its limits by continuing to pet him. This is fine and won't be used against him in the future for any reason, right? ]
I'm tryin', it's jus'...gonna take some time. Don't mind me bein' a sad sack over here. [ He gives a self-deprecating laugh as he lets his hand drop away, curled up on his side now. ] It's so strange bein' on my own again, 's all. Ya get so used to someone jus' bein' there an' then they're gone.
[ Oops. That may accidentally touch a nerve and he realizes it a little too late. What's said is said... ]
no subject
[ this is what he gets for letting his guard down, isn't it? he'd gotten too comfortable, so maybe he deserves this. it isn't so much a fresh wound as twisting the knife but all the same, he hates the sound of weakness in his voice. you have no idea how it feels! izō can tell that laugh isn't intended for him but it grates on his nerves anyway. anything probably would right now, honestly. ]
If that's what this is all about, ya can go to hell with all yer bullshit.
[ to him, it makes sense; ryouma must think he understands how it feels and getting right with izō must be something to help him feel better. he's disgusted at himself for falling for it again. he even let ryouma touch him — no, pet him — like a dog. like the stupid ears and tail he can't control say he is because it must be true. cosmic joke's on him?
there's a perceptible difference between now and only a minute or two ago and it isn't only because he's angry. his guard's gone back up and the tension he's holding alters his posture, closed off again where he'd relaxed a little earlier. one step forward, two steps back.
he should go and knows he wants to go, but indecision makes him hesitate. would that make him the same? that voice inside that makes him second guess himself didn't use to carry much weight, but he hears it far more strongly now since the hall of mirrors. it doesn't help either that he already knows someone who had disappeared from this world, even if he doesn't realise it's gotten under his skin as much as it has. he's so not drunk enough for this. ]
no subject
I didn't...I didn't mean it like that. Just that Oryou is -- was -- a part of me. [ Literally. They shared a Spirit Origin. ] I wasn't makin' fun'a ya or nothin' like that. It's not th' same as what ya went through an' I'm not tryin' t' pretend it is.
[ And then he smiles, a little tinge of sadness in his expression. ]
If ya wanna go, go. I understand.
no subject
[ did he know that? maybe he assumed once and never bothered to ask. it’s not like it made a difference. ]
Figures. Puttin’ it on me like that. Then if I walk I’m the asshole. Make me out t’be the bad guy, huh? Then y’can throw it in my face later…
[ projecting? maybe a little. he scoffs. ]
But not you, right? Nah, that’d mean lowerin' yer self and gettin’ on my level. "I understand." What the fuck do you understand?!
Can’t kill ya, can’t even hate ya, an’ if I try’n fight with ya all y’do is gimme that sorry look’a yours an’ sit there an’ take it! Yer so fuckin’ smart, ain’tcha? So what the fuck am I s’posed t’do?!
[ once he starts it all comes out in a rush, the end of it strained because he hadn’t even stopped to breathe. yelling and carrying on is nothing new, but it bursts out of him until he’s red in the face and breathless. anyone else and they’d probably be dead several times over. instead, his fists are balled so tightly his knuckles blanch, but he ends up pressing the heels of both hands against his eyes when he feels them burning. he hates himself and his weakness, but it’s a poor substitute and certainly not comforting. ]
Fuck. Fuck.
[ how pathetic. ]
no subject
Izō may not have stabbed him, but it certainly feels like. A sharp pain, right in the heart. He knows how sensitive Izō is, no matter how much he tries to deny it. In a way, he'd always been living in someone else's shadow, blotted out by everyone around him, left to struggle to even be acknowledged. It's hard not to understand why he feels the way he does, why he struggles with feeling like he's inadequate. Ryouma never treated him like a lesser, never pretended to understand his struggle -- even where they came from, Ryouma's standing was higher than Izō's, and there were parts of that experience he couldn't imagine. He'd only wanted what was best for him and not even in a patronizing way; he'd seen promise in him -- there was just nothing he could do to change the path Izō walked.
The hole he'd left behind in his life is visible now more than ever with the way Izō is curled in on himself, in the tears he knows he's trying not to show. Ryouma sits up, expression unreadable. It feels so selfish to have the urge he does now; maybe it's the lingering alcohol in him, maybe it's something more. He shouldn't...He should just let Izō be for now.
He doesn't. Ryouma just pulls him into a wordless embrace. If he says anything else, it would likely only serve to make Izō more angry -- not that he doesn't expect this hug to do the same. There's no judgement of his strength, just an acknowledgement that there is hurt there, that Ryouma is at least partially the cause of it, and a want to try to soothe it in some way. ]
no subject
once his anger all burns away, it's all he can do to press a hand over his mouth to keep himself quiet, but there's little to be done for how his shoulders tremble or the grip he unconsciously has on ryouma's sleeve like some part of him is afraid he might just vanish again.
izō wishes the earth would open up under him right now and put him out of his misery. he hadn't even drunk that much — so there's no excuse — and even having the thought reminds him bitterly of a piece of advice someone else had given him once about samurai and their liquor. how can he go on after this with any sense of dignity? his only consolation is knowing he'll feel numb after it's over when he's been wrung out until he has nothing left, at least for a little while. the rest is still anyone's guess. ]
no subject
Feeling Izō trembling in his grip makes the ache in his chest that much stronger. He finds himself resting his cheek against the top of his head, as if he's trying to protect him from anything else that might hurt him, as if he might disappear if he lets him go.
He wants to say something, anything, but words feel like they'd just be a nuisance...Except he can't fight the need to say one thing, an offer he expects to be met with further hostility. ]
...Stay here tonight. Please. [ A gentle request, barely spoken above a whisper. ]
no subject
it's ryouma he couldn't have anticipated. that's not unusual considering who he's dealing with, but izō has had their history to go on. the image he'd formed in his mind has always been so clear, regardless of how inaccurate and unfair it might be. that version of ryouma is easy to be angry with and easier still to keep at a distance. but this...? it didn't take much to make his defences crumble like sand. izō turns his head and scrubs his face against his sleeve but it only helps so much; his eyes are still red and watery, and damp hair clings to his face. some fearsome manslayer, huh?
he can only offer a weak nod as an answer, already coming up with excuses so he can live with himself. don't have the energy to argue or even something as stupid as it's inconvenient just to go back to an identical, empty room. the easiest answer is that a not-insignificant part of him wants to stay. it's just that accepting it comes along with the need to berate himself for folding so easily. that will undoubtedly come later; right now, regardless of how humiliated he feels, he can only give in. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)