video; un: beaumains

[beaumains]

[ Outside the cottage that Gareth shares with Kadoc, the young knight is working up a sweat, dressed down to a tank top with a towel draped over her shoulders. It's hard to ignore just how much lean muscle the seemingly petite woman has in a situation like this.

She pulls a swig from her water bottle, sighing. ]

It's hard to believe I'm spending another summer in this Avalon. It really leads one to think, you know?

About time... about what it even means in a place like this. About what's going to become of all of us when this is over...

It sort of makes one think they should use their time here more urgently, right?

[ One big swig. A long pause, and... ]


... I really need to get out more.

Comments

[beaumains]

Ah, it's not discouragement. [ Gareth shook her head. ]

More just... not knowing what direction to put this desire in, you know?

[morganknight]

Ah, I know that feeling. Would you prefer suggestion for the direction, or efforts to try to plumb your brain so you come up with your own?

[Normally Morgan defaults to the latter, but from personal experience he knows that really isn't necessary in this sort of case. A suggestion can make a brain click as readily as a deep psycho-dive.]

[beaumains]

I've certainly got no lack of time to just sit and think about it, these days...

But I feel myself unable to really feel out what my heart wants for.

[morganknight]

[Morgan nods, thoughtfully. He totally understands, though she's going about addressing the problem much more sensibly than he ever did.]

Well, the question that always comes back is "why", in a case like this. So let me help you bounce that along. Why can't you figure it out? What happens when you try?

[beaumains]

I get frustrated and anxious and deeply self-conscious?

[ So, you know. Normal things. ]

[morganknight]

Just from first hearing it, that sounds like you're afraid of what you want and don't desire to admit it, even to yourself. Quite possibly because you're used to ignoring what you want and doing as others say?

[beaumains]

Not particularly. I pretty famously ignored the wishes of my Mother and fled home to join the Knighthood alongside my brothers.

[ Among a whole lot of other bullheaded things she did in her life. ]

But... this might run a bit deeper than that.

[morganknight]

If the Knighthood is that important to you, is it a conflict between your expectations as a Knight and your desires as a person?

[He's taking a stab, but it doesn't really matter -- the important thing is to keep her talking, and delving into this.]

[beaumains]

Truth be told, I don't think this has anything to do with being a knight.

[morganknight]

That's interesting information in and of itself, since being a knight seems to me to be closely tied to your core identity.

[beaumains]

Well... yes, that is true. A lot of who I am is tied in that, but...

[ "Who are you?!"

Gawain's words still hung over her, though she'd actually found some comfort in them. Mostly because, while she didn't have an answer she could easily speak for it, she no longer felt weighed down by that identity. ]

It's not all of me. That was something I had to come to terms with.

[morganknight]

[Morgan considers that a moment, then...]

For what my opinion is worth, I don't believe that anyone has parts and portions. All of you is all of you. Every aspect of you makes up the whole, and without any of them, you wouldn't be you. In my experience, distinctions like that create contradictions that don't actually exist.

But that's getting way deep into my philosophy, so I don't know. Maybe that will help you, maybe that won't.