Oᴅᴀ Kɪᴘᴘᴏ̄sʜɪ (織田吉法師) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
owarifool) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
avalononline2021-09-26 04:30 pm
owarifool) wrote in avalononline2021-09-26 04:30 pm
text; un: maou
Behold the Fool of Owari, the Great Unifier of Japan, the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven.
and lmao well it turns out i didnt die in that fight with the dragon. u can file ur complaints with beowulf. gonna be out of commission for awhile but hey thats how shit goes i guess.
but aside from that, i wanna kno something. something thats sitting in my brain as we got a refugee crisis already forming on our hands and we pick through the rubble of a series of shitty decisions and maybe poor karma;
knowing what it is we are all here to do, do you still trust the people that run this Avalon, whether its Camelot or Celliwig or Whatever, to facilitate that task?
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[ He leaned against his pillows, letting his head roll back, the arm holding the bag just sort of limply laying at his side. ]
I guess I just didn't care if I was killed. I don't think I was actively chasing death, but I was annoyed that I was saved.
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[ She says that, but her tone is even as she watches him; she says that, but there's an undercurrent of sympathy under it. Ritsuka understands the feeling, even if the greater part of her shies away from it. Her desire to live hasn't changed, but the weight of it is heavier than it once was. ]
Did something else happen?
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[ A longer pause this time, fiddling with the edge of the bag, biting at the inside of his cheek. He definitely looked like he was struggling with how to word things, or just... speak frankly on it. This was his Master, after all, someone he'd been through a lot with. Someone he had to trust, on a lot of levels, but... ]
My nature as the Fool really sucks sometimes, yanno? Most of the time, it works out, but... sometimes I just wish I did have more common sense... It'd keep me from hurting some people who didn't deserve it, maybe...
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[ She kicks her legs a little, an idle animation, leaning back on her hands. ]
It's hard, learning how to be careful. You should've seen me, when everything was first starting out in Chaldea. I definitely had to work on it... I'm lucky that people gave me as many chances as they did.
[ Now she glances at him, sidelong. Her tone is still sympathetic; she does know it feels. She remembers very well. ]
That bad, huh?
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[ Which didn't really further explain what happened, but something about Ritsuka's empathy sat poorly with him. He'd known her to make some bullheaded decisions in their time together, sure. It was part of what made her feel so kin to him. But he had a feeling she'd never pull off a stunt like he had... She actively avoided that sort of thing, after all. ]
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[ She perks up a little at that, the way one does when a name they recognize gets mentioned. ]
Uh--about my age, cute girl, wears her hair up in a ponytail?
[ Was having a real awful time unrelated to Kipposhi, as far as Ritsuka knows, and now there's this? ]
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Might as well tell the whole story. It was going to make more sense that way.
We talked ourselves into a date, in that thing. So I didn't realize it was her until we met up. And she has... a rough, really complicated history with relationships. The sort you and I can't really hope to actually understand, only empathize with as best we can...
...I considered her a friend, though maybe not a close one. She'd shared with me a lot about herself when folks were trading stories by the campfire... Which was exactly why I knew what I was doing was wrong.
[ He fished out a gummie, but only really pinched it in his fingers, not feeling the need to chew it just yet. ][ ]
I've got a lot of baggage, and I could only make hers heavier, but in my head at the time, what I thought was... she deserves a good date. She deserves a night of happiness. I'm just... not sure what convinced me it had to be me to do it.
I... I guess I panicked. She was so willing. Like dangling meat before starved wolves. I kept upping the pressure and she just kept seeming so... open to it. And it scared me, so I stopped. I called it off and...
[ He popped the gummie finally, but grimmaced as he chewed. ]
There's no excuses... I followed my impulses blindly, just like the Fool I am, an Avenger who can only feed into that cycle of love from hate, hate from love... it's no wonder my own relationships always felt so broken...
I had a reputation as being a heartbreaker in Owari, but this... this sucks. She isn't just some ordinary girl, she's someone whose very passion is seated in love and being worthy of love... and I ruined it. I snuffed it out. My empathy turned to pity, and that pity drove me to think I could offer any solutions she was able to handle... but not commit to actually being what she needed. How pathetic is that?
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[ Ritsuka listens quietly, nodding at occasional points to indicate she's still paying attention. And when he's done, she takes a deep breath.
And then she turns to him, reaching out to gently flick her index finger against his forehead. ]
I don't think it's pathetic. I do think you were a jerk.
[ But she says it gently. She knows the kind of person he is. Avenger or not, chained to the restrictions of his Servant class, she knows that his kindness can be genuine. She knows that about every Servant that has ever answered the frightened, desperate request of a girl trying to save a potentially doomed world. ]
You're right, she's got every right to be mad at you. And maybe she'll never forgive you. But... when I met her, she was a very nice girl. Even if she's angry at you, and even if she hates you, I don't think that dying as penance is going to make her feel any better for it.
What you did was bad, but... it's not the end of the world, either. Yours, or hers. And you should give her a little more credit than that. Give her some time too, okay? That post wasn't even a month ago. You don't bounce back from stuff like that immediately, but you do. Even I have enough experience to know that.
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I feel like you're really underestimating how bad this is, but it's not really my right to tell you her story...
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[ Not all of it by a long shot, she's sure--but sometimes you just kind of luck into ("luck") a girl having a freakout about the unbearable position she's in. Honestly, as far as sentient AIs go, Monika was a lot easier to talk to than BB in many ways. ]
I still stand by what I said, though. Running off to get yourself killed isn't going to make her feel any better.
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I think she disagrees.
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Maybe right now, but... I dunno. I think it's probably too recent for her to be anything but mad about what happened. It hasn't even been a month, has it? Sometimes you just gotta give things time.
For what it's worth, though, I would definitely be sad if anything happened to you.
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Come on, Master, I bet you'd say that to all of us, right? But part of being a Servant is being in perilous situations. I'll probably take even bigger hits once we get back home and reverse this whole calamity thing.
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[ Then there's poor Scheherazade, who'd rather not be involved in anything and ends up overcompensating. Either way. ]
C'mon, do you really think I'd just say it to say it? I mean it. If you died, I would definitely cry. And I hate crying.
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And I suppose, despite all I've done, I really hate to see women cry...
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[ She scoots a little closer, bumping her hip against his leg, companionable. ]
You know, if there's stuff that's bothering you like this, you can come talk to me, right? I can't always give an answer, but I'll listen.
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[ Not that he really knew, specifically, but given her usual proclivity, he could only imagine. ]
I guess I'll be surviving this, either way...
By the way, a friend is coming over to share some beer. Did you wanna stick around for that?
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[ Is that something to really be proud of... well, she'll worry about it later, if it actually becomes a thing. ]
And yeah, I'd like that. I'm still not drinking, but I brought enough snacks to keep myself busy.